


thriving.

by schnaf



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, M/M, Slow Burn, are there any relevant tags left? mh don't think so, but does phil?, saM THE SURFER IS JUST A STATISTICAL IMPROBABILITY, weather man phil because we all need that in our life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 30,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24983008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schnaf/pseuds/schnaf
Summary: Sometimes, you meet someone who changes your life. Someone who becomes your best friend. Someone who becomes more to you than just a best friend. Someone who helps you thrive.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester, Phil Lester/Sam the Surfer
Comments: 20
Kudos: 15
Collections: Phandom Reverse Bang 2020





	1. scarcity

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic for the [phandom reverse bang](https://phandomreversebang.tumblr.com) \o/ big thanks to [Succubusphan](http://Succubusphan.tumblr.com/) who did the amazing artwork and [elated-witch](https://elated-witch.tumblr.com), my beta ♥

_Damn it._

Oh, if only he could fall asleep... Just shutting down his brain, letting his subconsciousness take over. (Would that be better, though? After all, Dan doesn't know what his subconsciousness would have in store for him. Well, at least it would be a change and after hours of tossing and turning, some change would be quite nice.)

Damn, it hurts. His heart aches, his stomach turns upside down, he feels like on the verge of throwing up - and on top, he's got a headache, as if his brain tried to tell him it's done working overtime.  
The fucking thoughts. The fucking dreads. And the pangs of guilt. Why can't it just stop?

Dan turns around yet again, he pulls his pillow closer to his chest, trying to give his body the impression that everything is different now, that there's no need to think anymore, to worry anymore, to feel guilty anymore, to be scared anymore.  
(It doesn't work.)

The wedding. The damn wedding.  
Letting go of Phil sharing Phil everyone knowing what will happen after the ceremony everyone knowing the newlyweds will have sex afterwards and Dan just doesn't know how to deal with it letting the wrong thing happen damn why did he even let it happen why didn't he intervene earlier why didn't he realize earlier that he just couldn't stand it that it was just too much that -  
Turning his back on Phil leaving Phil out in the cold damn why does he feel this way why can't he just be happy for Phil at the very least why can't he even manage to be a good best friend who supports Phil no matter what no matter what he feels no no no all he can do is keeping himself awake overthinking overthinking over-  
Oh, if only he could be with Phil. Talking to Phil pushing aside his thoughts because Phil matters more than any of his doubts than any of his worries comforting Phil because damn he can tell that Phil isn't that comfortable either maybe for different reasons but whatever he's uncomfortable too and the best way to feel better and they both know this is to share their worries to comfort each other to be there for each other just like they were there for each other before the important moments in their lives in the last few years before - having Phil for himself just one last time before this damn wedding just one last time before -  
But fuck could he even share his worries with Phil this time could he even tell him what he feels damn of course he can because it's Phil and he trusts Phil more than anybody else on this damn planet but this time maybe this time it's wrong to let Phil in not because he feels uncomfortable telling Phil about his feelings he just can't bring himself to tell Phil that he dreads this wedding it might hurt Phil too much yes maybe Phil would understand because Phil always tries to understand him but it would hurt him at the same time but it just sounds so terrible so wrong and -  
It is wrong he isn't supposed to feel that way he's supposed to be happy at least for Phil and -  
No he isn't Phil doesn't expect him to be happy all the time Phil doesn't expect him to behave the way he's supposed to behave and that's why Phil is so important to him and that's why he dreads this wedding so much it means he has to let go of Phil and he can't do it he just can't do it he just wants to cling onto what they have he doesn't want things to change he doesn't want anyone to intrude he -

Stop.

A deep breath. Another deep breath. Dan's heart races, just like his thoughts. He takes a sip of water but he's barely able to swallow it because of the lump in his throat.  
Damn, he needs to calm down. He's been down that road so many times this night and -  
Every time, it gets faster, every time it gets louder and his head feels like it's about to explode and his heart feels so helpless, so torn because yearning does something different to his heart than guilt and guilt does something different to his heart than dread and he's torn between his emotions and -

Phil.  
There's no other way to calm down - that's scientifically proven, in a way, at least he tried different ways to calm down and -  
Well, he only managed to calm down a bit when he sent Phil a message. When he saw a text bubble popping up on Phil's side of the chat. When he felt he wasn't alone after all.

Phil.

'Maybe it isn't the worst idea to spend the night before the wedding on your own after all. Kinda tells you you're doing the right thing. Imagine enjoying this night. Imagine thinking of this night as the last night of freedom.'

Silence. In his head. At least for a few seconds. Dan may not have managed to convince himself, but just the thought of Phil reading his message, all sleepy, tousled hair, rings under his eyes but still not able to fall asleep, just like Dan - just the thought of sharing their feelings, in a different way than they used before, but still sharing their feelings - makes his head clear up a tiny little bit.  
Silence. Then - a ping. A message. A missed heartbeat because even though they've been chatting all night long, keeping each other company as well as possible, he still gets excited about Phil replying.

':('

Another ping. A slight smile on Dan's face because - yes, he may be suffering. But Phil is, too.

'You don't need to defend my idea. I know it sucks.'

The sound of his fingertips tapping the screen of his phone - hurried, just like his thoughts before, because he just can't let Phil talk shit about himself, because he just can't let Phil feel bad.

'No no no it's okay. Can't risk the bad luck after all.'

And -

'It's just a pity you can't even let your bestie stay with you :('

An eyeroll emoji from Phil. A heartbeat. A few heartbeats. The dread slowly creeping up on him again.  
(Oh no. Oh no. Not yet, please. Just a few more moments - just a few more moments where he can feel like everything is alright, where he can simply enjoy talking nonsense with Phil, having some banter with Phil, just as if there was no wedding, just as if the wedding wasn't that scary.)

Then -  
Phil pushing the bad thoughts back a bit.

'let's meet outside'

Trembling fingers. Excitement - this time, in a positive sense, in a giddy way. Dan's spirits actually lifting.  
Yes. Y E S.  
But -

'isn't that against your rule?'

Phil typing. Phil apparently erasing his text, starting over again. (Phil typing 'fuck the rule'?) Dan holds his breath and it feels like his brain does so, too, like his brain doesn't want to interrupt, doesn't want to be preoccupied for nothing.  
He's right.

'I guess we just shouldn't share a bed before THE BIG DAY. apart from that... we spent the bachelor's party together, too, after all. it's not that different. it's not wrong. it's not inappropriate to take a walk together.'

Oh, the bachelor's party. This was the part Dan dreaded most before this night - but it turned out quite okay. After all, Phil's just as interested in partying as Dan is, so instead of a party, it was a nice evening among friends, playing some board games, feeling comfortable.  
Feeling comfortable. But only until the moment they parted ways and he was in his room, all on his own, only the downwards spiral keeping him company. And thus, the night itself turned out to be much worse than the bachelor's party.

It's okay. Phil tells him it's okay. Well, Phil tells him he's willing to bend his rule a tiny little bit, Phil tells him he's willing to use the loophole.

That's all he needs.  
(His doubts are muffled. Finally. There are other things to take care of now, after all.)

'back entry. Now.'

~*~*~


	2. The Daisy

**The Daisy**  
_innocence, purity_

There has always been something about guys Dan couldn't quite explain, couldn't quite grasp. This - attraction, basically. Feeling comfortable with guys in a way he felt he shouldn't. Liking looking at them a tad too much. Not feeling opposed to the thought of being close to a guy.  
Dan never really thought of himself as gay, though. In love with a guy - sadly, yes. But who knows? Maybe he was just confused. (Maybe it's just a phase.) After all, he fell in love with a friend - maybe he just confused friendship with love. (Dan doesn't know how attraction fits the picture. It doesn't matter, though. It doesn't matter anymore.)

But then, there's the day in the park. Just a little trip with his nan and his little brother to London and because Adrian wasn't up to eating sushi or something else you could get when you're in the big city, their nan stopped their fight by just buying some sandwiches and shooing them to this park. She needed to rest her feet, she said, and she'd really like to sit in the grass. (She even had a blanket in her handbag. Granny handbags, man - you never know what to expect.)  
So he lies on this blanket, ignoring his brother who pretends he didn't spoil the big city trip for Dan, when his eyes fall on this guy a few feet away and -

That's when Dan knows he actually is into guys. That's the straw that broke the camel's back.

Pitch-black hair, blue eyes, as far as Dan can tell from a few feet away. His laughter, the crinkles around his eyes. His look - damn, he's what Dan aspires to be, what Dan aspires to look like. Emo haircut, studded belt, snug black t-shirt - and at the same time, he doesn't look emo, he doesn't look sad. The way he laughs, the way he talks, moving his hands through the air to express his point... He seems to be so bubbly and Dan just can't look away, Dan just can't help forgetting the anger at his brother because damn, who cares about some lame sandwiches if looking at this guy lifts his spirit so much?  
(Especially because it's thanks to the sandwiches he got this opportunity. But he won't let Adrian know. Won't let him have this victory and holy shit, won't let him know he enjoys looking at a guy.)

The guy is what Dan aspires to be. But it isn't envy he feels when he's looking at him. It's -

His heart beats so fast, his fingers started plucking out single blades of grass without him actually noticing. Damn, this guy...

He needs to do something. He can't just watch, he - he doesn't just want the image of this guy. He wants to -  
To be close to him. In whatever way, whatever that means. (Dan doesn't dare think about it.)

So - what should he do? Well, there aren't many options, there's just one, to be precise. He needs to talk to him. Either that or he lets him get away, he lets this guy slip through his fingers.  
Dan doesn't want to lose him.

Easy decision, eh?  
No. No, no, no. He can't just walk up to a strange guy. Not with his nan and his little brother watching, wondering what Dan's up to this time, not when the guy is surrounded by friends - not when the guy looks so breathtaking, not when his heart races, when he worries not to be able to pronounce a single word when he's right in front of him.  
But he needs to. He -

There's a daisy right in front of him. And even though it may seem silly, it feels like the right decision. Dan plucks it out. Then, after taking a deep breath, he starts pulling out one tiny petal after another.  
(If the flower tells him to talk to this guy... It's okay, it's doable. It's fate or something like that, it's meant to be.)  
Talk to him - don't talk to him - talk to him - don't talk to him - talk -  
One small speck of white after another. Dan's fingers tremble, he barely manages to grip the petals.  
Talk to him - don't talk to him - talk to him.

Talk to him.

Dan's heart skips a beat. There it is - the answer is right in front of him, in the form of a tiny flower.

Talk to him.

He lifts his head. But -  
His heart drops. The guy is gone. The blanket he sat on before disappeared, it takes Dan some time to spot the group of friends again, at the other side of the park, laughing, talking to each other, leaving the park.

The small daisy looks so hopeless without all her petals.

~*~*~


	3. The Lavender

**The Lavender**   
_silence, loneliness, love at first sight_

The next time Dan sees the guy from the park again, the air reeks of alcohol.

He's on his own. No nan, no Adrian and actually, he's quite glad about that because they shouldn't see him like that, nobody should see him like that. All on his own in his little room at the uni dorm, getting drunk because he can't stand the loneliness anymore, watching some random television shows to distract himself - rediscovering his one-afternoon-crush.

(Dan feels bad, so bad. If he just had somebody to talk to - somebody who wouldn't blame him for every little step he takes. Unlike his parents who make him regret feeling homesick. At least being at home didn't feel that lonely. But since he moved out, things changed. He picked the wrong degree, according to his father because how the hell is he going to earn money in the arts? Still, he's happy with his choice,. That's the only thing right now that makes him happy.)  
(If only he didn't feel so lonely.)

He settles on watching TV until he stumbles upon this northern channel that's just broadcasting the news. Dan's still busy making fun of the dialects (the best thing about being drunk is that it makes northern accents sound authentic) as they switch to the weather forecast. And there he is. This tall, lanky guy who doesn't quite fit his suit, who obviously doesn't feel super comfortable wearing a suit and for a moment, Dan wonders what makes him think that way, because - damn, the suit isn't too big, the guy doesn't look uncomfortable, but somehow, there's this image of him wearing something less formal, something... more alternative.  
Then, it all comes back to him. It takes him a few moments to realize where he saw this guy before, why it's so odd to see him in a suit, but well, the alcohol is to blame for that. It slows his brain. Nevertheless, the memories return. Even though some years passed since this day at the park - oh boy, how old was he? Fourteen, fifteen? Sixteen, max.

Phil Lester, that's the name that shows up on the name tag at the bottom of the image and it feels so surreal to have a name now, to be able to connect a name to the face. That's not the only surreal thing, though. Seeing this face he just saw for a little while, all this time ago, that somehow left a lasting memory, being able to remember it even though so much changed, even though he doesn't have his emo hairstyle anymore, even though he changed to a quiff by now, even if he isn't dressed like he was back then...  
Maybe it's not even the guy from that day at the park, maybe it's just another dude who hits his weak spot. But... No. It's him. Even though it feels so irrational, Dan is sure of that.

It's also surreal to see he grew up. He isn't that emo anymore, he got a job, he became more mature. And to be honest, Dan kind of enjoys this development. Because he isn't that much into this alternative lifestyle anymore either, because it suits Phil, because he's actually a bit proud of Phil.  
Speaking of his professional choices: He seems to be a bit nervous. One of his first performances in front of the camera, apparently. But there's no need to be nervous, he's good, he's a pleasant presenter, even with his voice slightly trembling.  
It's just a short segment. However, Dan can't take his eyes off the monitor as it's over. Reminiscing what he just saw, who he just saw...

Damn, he wishes he could reach out to Phil. Tell him there's no need to worry because he's a good presenter, because his aura is just so pleasant... (If only he hadn't wasted his time on the daisy back at the park...)  
It feels so natural to just pick up a piece of paper and a pen. It feels so natural to scribble down his sentiments. Not all of them, because - no, he just can't do this. It's not about that, though. It's about letting Phil know that there's no need to feel bad. Because Dan can picture him thinking about his first shows, imagining everyone made fun of him...  
Dan tries to let him know it's not the case. Dan tries to put into words that everything is alright.  
It feels to natural to leave his place, to hurry into the shop a few blocks down to buy a stamp, to send the letter to the channel's address he found on the internet. Even though there's this voice in his head all the time, mocking him, asking 'falling for a guy again, you loser? Fucking fag.'. (It doesn't matter. It just doesn't matter anymore. Who the fuck even cares anymore? He can't do anything right anyway so falling for yet another guy, falling for this guy again, is nothing more than yet another mistake.)

It becomes kind of a routine. Watching Phil, not the part with writing a letter - Dan doesn't get to know if it reached its recipient. (The next time he tunes into the northern news, Phil seems to be a little bit more relaxed, though.)  
He begins listening to a weather forecast he couldn't care less about. Whenever he feels lonely - and it happens quite a lot -, he grabs some booze and watches Phil's show. Sometimes, he doesn't even need booze.

Slowly, his routine grows. He cleans his room. He sorts his uni stuff. He makes dinner from scratch. (Well, at least once. After that, he sticks to store-bought noodles. He keeps making the tomato sauce from scratch, though.) He finally replies to his nan who's currently visiting France. He puts up stuff on his walls. A drawing from Adrian. Photos from his friends back home. (Back where home used to be.) Postcards. Even some scripts from one of his courses.  
Slowly, he reclaims his life. And the postcards from France, with the lavender fields his nan loves so much, turn his collage purple and finally add some colour to his room.

~*~*~


	4. The Hyacinth

**The Hyacinth**   
_constancy, affection – yellow: jealousy_

Then, there's the other dude.

Spotting Phil again is a little miracle - spotting him and realizing within a few moments it's the same guy he saw in the park all those years ago, the same guy he used to obsess over on regional television back in his uni days. Third time's the charm, eh?  
But this time, he isn't alone. Well, he wasn't, either, when Dan saw him for the first time, but this time...

Just one dude, this time. A bit shorter than Phil, kind of sturdy but not in a fat way, light brown, wavy hair with blond highlights, a bit ruffled, making him look like he just stepped off a surfboard.

Dan doesn't care about his stop anymore. All he cares about right now is that Phil's here, on the same tube as him, on the same day, at the same time...  
With another dude. With a dude that's -

It feels strange to see this guy's hand on Phil's hip. It feels strange to see the dude hand over a flower to Phil, a yellow hyacinth he must have picked somewhere, maybe at a flower shop they just passed, to see Phil's face light up with a smile. It feels strange to notice they're obviously a couple. It -  
It hurts. It hurts to see Phil being happy with another guy. Damn, he could have had a shot at Phil - Phil is into guys and that's so amazing.  
But he's taken already. Dan's too late. Again.

Maybe, it's time to finally let go.

The last thing Dan sees of Phil is his back when the two guys leave the tube - and a speck of yellow on the street where Phil dropped the flower.

~*~*~


	5. The Peony

**The Peony**   
_compassion, good luck_

This could have been their last meeting - this should have been their last meeting, in Dan's opinion, because damn, he's done swooning over some random guy he spotted a few times. Seeing him with his boyfriend was a clear sign there's nothing special about recognizing Phil over and over again. He doesn't believe in fate or stuff like that anyways and realizing the guy he kind of had a crush on is already taken proved him why.  
But when he sees Phil again, the poor guy is standing in front of a big sign pointing out all the rooms on this floor and he looks so confused and lost - Dan can't just leave him hanging. He can't even reflect on how strange it is to talk to this guy he only observed with a certain distance up to now. He can't even consider letting Phil wander around the BBC building, abandoning him.  
Thus, their story isn't over yet. (And his racing heart, his trembling hands tell him it wasn't over anyways. Damn it.)

Talking to Phil is easy, though. So many small things that make Dan feel comfortable around him...  
Phil admitting without any shame (well, he's not exactly proud, either...) that he's lost. Phil explaining he's on his way to a job interview because he's a weather presenter (no big news, but Dan doesn't let him know) and he wants to join the BBC and the deal is almost sealed, but still, he's a bit nervous, especially because he can't find the damn room.  
Phil eyeing the giant bouquet Dan is carrying, not hesitating to ask him if he's part of some kind of garden show. Phil actually being interested in Dan's short synopsis of his recent project - yet another documentary.  
Just – talking to Phil, without feeling the need to overthink, just saying aloud what's on his mind because Phil is okay with it. Feeling they might be on the same page there, they could talk for quite some while without feeling annoyed, without feeling pressured to keep up the conversation - if it wasn't for Phil's appointment.  
Phil agreeing to his demand of letting him know if his job interview was successful even though Dan phrased it as if was a joke (but damn, he actually wants to know, he actually wants Phil to succeed. Partly for the guy who helped him through some dark days at university, partly for the guy who's so enjoyable to talk to.). Phil asking him for his phone number so they can meet up for a coffee later to talk about the job interview.

Crinkles forming around Phil eyes when he smiles as Dan pulls out a flower out of his bouquet and hands it to him - 'it's for good luck'.  
And - shit, it's still a crush and how couldn't it be a crush?  
Phil is so adorable. Dan may have thought he'd be over him but now that he met a different Phil, now that he actually met him... Yep, it's a crush.

Phil is special to him already but it doesn't feel strange, it doesn't feel inappropriate because apparently, he's special to Phil, too. A few minutes later, he shows up at his job interview with a giant peony just because Dan gave it to him.

~*~*~


	6. The Cactus

**The Cactus**   
_protection, endurance_

Phil leaves London after a few days. But he doesn't leave Dan. After he traveled back to the North, they continue sending each other little messages. Then, the messages turn into chats. Then, the chats turn into calls. Then, the calls turn into video chats.

It's so easy to just forget about -   
Sam. Sam, Phil's boyfriend. The guy Dan spotted next to Phil in the tube. It felt so strange to let Phil go, to know he'll return to his boyfriend. His boyfriend, his damn boyfriend. Dan could feel the jealousy boiling inside of him.  
But the longer they talk, the more the thoughts about Sam fade away. He simply doesn't matter anymore. Of course, Phil mentions him every now and then (doesn't happen too often, though). Apart from that... Almost nothing. He doesn't appear in the video chats and -

Dan is so happy, there's no room for anything else, especially not for feelings like jealousy. There's so much Phil and him can talk about, so many things they need to discuss, so many things they need to show each other, so many things they both like and it's so great to be able to share it, to share many interests...  
Phil gets him. He gets Phil. It feels like they've known each other for years already - and nope, this isn't because he actually saw Phil already a few years ago, it's mutual, it's about their intimacy.

Also, their chats, especially their video calls, get longer and longer. After Dan comes home from work, he turns on the laptop to talk to Phil, he takes his laptop into the kitchen to continue talking to Phil while cooking dinner, he takes his laptop to bed to talk to Phil until he almost falls asleep... On other days, he starts sending messages to Phil as soon as he wakes up and the chat turns into a video chat until he has to leave for work - on weekends, they are almost always in touch because even when Dan leaves the house, he still sends messages to Phil. When he's at work, he checks his phone all the time to see if he received another message from Phil. And Phil does the same. As soon as they wake up, they start talking, even if it's just through some little texts and they barely stop before going to bed. Sometimes, they're just watching movies together, sometimes, one of them plays a game and the other one watches, sometimes, they play a game online together, sometimes, there's not much talking but they still spend this time together, hours over hours over hours.  
There's no time left for Sam. Dan doesn't know how Phil deals with this problem, but - all the time he spends with Phil is time Phil could spend with his actual boyfriend. He doesn't, though. Almost every day he prefers Dan. (Or maybe it's not even that? Maybe he doesn't think about spending so many hours with Dan - it just happens but Phil sees no reason to stop it.)

Soon, the bits of Phil's place he can see during their video chats begin to feel like home. Because he's looking at the shelf with all the books and DVDs, the desk with the collection of small cacti, the various pillows on Phil's couch so often - because he feels happy and safe and at home when looking at them.

~*~*~


	7. The Foxglove

**The Foxglove**   
_insecurity, suspicion_

It starts off quite spontaneously. Just something Dan says without spending much thought on it.

"Maybe you should lower your standards. Good luck with finding a nice and affordable apartment in London - I've been looking for one for a few months now and I haven't found one yet."

Phil doesn't respond. Well, he does ask about Dan's apartment, Dan tells him about all his problems.  
(The traffic noises. Yes, he doesn't expect the sounds of birds chirping and tree leaves rustling in the wind when living in the middle of London but - his windows are facing a big road. A big road that's particularly popular with police cars and fire trucks. He can't stand those sirens anymore, damn it.)  
(All those construction areas. When Dan moved in, he thought he'd just have to wait a bit, then they'd be done and he wouldn't have to listen to the lovely sound of a jackhammer every. damn. day. Oh, sweet summer child... They will never be done.)  
(His neighbours. Every single one seems to have an annoying hobby and they don't fail to let Dan take part. All those annoying noises, damn. And sometimes, the hallway smells really weird.)  
(The mold in his bathroom. The landlord just shrugged and said it must have been Dan's fault, that it wasn't there when Dan moved in. Sure.)  
(All in all - nothing's terrible enough to leave the apartment at once, nevertheless, he started looking for a new place some time ago. He didn't find one yet, though.)  
The actual response takes Phil a few hours. And that's when Phil proposes to move in together, to look for a new apartment together. Because why should they both waste their time on finding two apartments? They could combine forces. Also, maybe apartments for two people are easier to find than single apartments.

Phil's pretty surprised when Dan agrees at once. To be honest, Dan himself is quite surprised, too. It's a big decision, after all. He isn't that keen on sharing an apartment. That's why he doesn't live in a flatshare, that's why he didn't even consider living in a flatshare.  
But it somehow doesn't feel like a flatshare with Phil, it doesn't fit the picture of a flatshare, it defies the flatshare stereotypes. Sharing an apartment with the guy he just can't stop talking to sounds pretty tempting. Coming home to someone who he could talk to about his day at work, about his hobbies, about his current hyperfixation... And being able not to talk. Being able to spend time with each other, maybe even in the same apartment, without having to entertain each other. If living together with Phil is just a bit like their chats, it could actually work out - if they manage to get along as well as in their chats, if they manage to accept each other's personal space as well as in their chats, it might be just the kind of flatshare he needs.

Thus, they start looking for an apartment together.

Well, not at once. Just as Phil wants to present the first apartment he found to him, Dan has to intervene, Dan has to sort out something.

"What about Sam?"

Fortunately, Phil doesn't talk about Sam that often. Unfortunately, that includes their relationship problems. Dan still doesn't know if it's a problem for Sam that his boyfriend is spending to much time online with Dan - how is he supposed to know how Sam feels about them spending even more time in real life?  
Nothing to worry, though, Phil tells him. One reason why he took some time before asking him to look for an apartment together was because he wanted to check in with Sam, and his boyfriend let him know he'd be okay with it.

"He said he's super happy about me already finding a friend in London. If I plan to move in together with this friend - even better. It was such a dad thing to say, I hope he doesn't expect me to call him daddy the next time we have sex."

Dan can't help but laugh. Even though hearing about Phil and Sam having sex makes him cringe, gives him a bitter taste of jealousy, the image of Phil looking down on Sam, calling him daddy, is ridiculous.  
There's more to it, though. Some kind of severity hiding behind Phil's words, behind Phil's jokes.

"You hated what he said, didn't you?"

He's right. It just takes Phil one big sigh to let him know he hit home.

"Yes. I'm not like him. It's like - it's okay for me to talk to people. But I don't need to. Just because he's super extroverted doesn't mean I need to get to know half of London as soon as I set foot in the town."

(It hurts. Somehow, it feels good and hurts at the same time. Realizing Phil's relationship isn't all perfect... Dan's still got a chance.)  
(No, he doesn't. Phil is in a relationship, over and out. No need to rack his brain about getting together with Phil as long as he's still in this relationship. Especially if they're actually moving in together. He shouldn't crush on his roommate.)

No more obstacles. Just the apartment-hunting per se. Phil was right, there are actually more offers for apartments for two persons, but still, it takes them some time to find a nice place.

They find it, though. Located quite close to the BBC, at a rather quiet road - and the lease is limited to one year, extension possible. So if it actually is too crazy... It isn't a life-changing decision. They still can change it, in one year at the earliest.

Actually moving in together is so exciting. Even though putting all his stuff into boxes, even though carrying those boxes and all his bigger stuff though London is super annoying and exhausting, there's this thrill about every box he finishes. Because he looks so much forward to moving into the apartment he shares with Phil, because the anticipation of living in this apartment with Phil drowns out the efforts.

Of course, the move doesn't pass without Sam appearing at their apartment. To be precise, he drops by for a few days – transporting Phil's stuff to London, helping them with painting the walls, building up furniture, carrying boxes. But it's actually quite okay to have him around. He's funny, he's optimistic, he doesn't complain about his work... He seems to be a cool guy. (Admittedly, it helps if Dan ignores he's Phil's boyfriend.) And as they open the last box, as he leaves for his own home, Cornwall, the surfers' spot, he hands them some presents. Chocolate for their strained nerves, some boxes of noodles and a potted plant.  
(It's nicer without him, though. Even though Phil and him struggle with all the tools, even though building up furniture was easier with Sam... It's nicer when everyone is on the same level, when both of them mess up.)  
(And it's nicer to have Phil for himself again.)

It just takes Dan a few days to know he made the right decision. Even though he gets to know some not so pleasant aspects of living together with Phil - seriously, what's it with him leaving open all the cupboard doors? Knowing there's someone to come home to - actually waiting for Phil after work so they can go home together -, watching movies again, just like in their video calls, but this time together, talking to each other just like they used in their chats and luckily it doesn't feel awkward to talk to each other in person, sitting next to each other, one of them reading a book while the other one watches something on TV because it feels good to be close even when they're not interacting...  
The potted foxglove on their tiny balcony thrives.

~*~*~


	8. The Forget-me-not

**The Forget-me-not**   
_memories, hope, remembrance, true love_

Spending so much time with Phil makes Dan feel like he knows Phil by heart by now. But then, there are moments when he realizes Phil can actually be pretty private, that Phil likes to keep things under lock in order not to burden anyone with his troubles.

One time Dan realizes this is when they're having some pies at their place during their lunch break. Well, Phil's lunch break - Dan rescheduled his work day so they could grab lunch together. (It slowly becomes a habit. Making room for each other, even more than they already did by moving in together. Trying to spend even more time together. Maybe, it's a bad idea, maybe he should try spending the lunch breaks with his coworkers. But damn, hanging out with Phil is so much more enticing.)  
This time, Dan actually feels that something is wrong. Maybe that's why Phil opens up - maybe Phil needed him to ask him if he was alright, maybe Phil needed to feel extra bad in order to be able to talk to him about it. Whatever it is - Phil breaks down after they took their first few bites from their pies.

Doubts, so many doubts. He felt quite comfortable with his abilities before but damn, moving to London, joining the BBC, was such a big step - was it the right step, though? Phil doubts it, Phil doubts he was ready for it, Phil doubts he'll ever be ready for the big city, the big broadcasting company. He feels like a failure and he doesn't know if he'll ever succeed.  
Damn, it hurts so much to see Phil that way, to hear Phil talking about himself that way. His bubbly, happy, optimistic friend... (Fuck, Dan's supposed to be the one being plagued by self doubts. Not Phil. Phil is alright. At least he should be.)

It's so overwhelming, Dan feels - so much at once. Pity, resistance, the need to comfort Phil, to let him know he's completely wrong, there's no need to doubt himself -  
He doesn't even manage to think about what he's saying, the words just come out like that.

"You're not a failure, Phil. You've improved so much."

A snort before Phil takes another bite of his pie. Yet another odd sensation - normally, Phil isn't that resistant. Normally, Phil is good-humored, normally, Phil feels comfortable in his own skin. Dan wouldn't exactly say he's overly self-confident, but... He's okay with being the way he is. Normally, that is.  
Today, everything is different.

"Dan, I can't improve within a few weeks just by moving to London. The big city didn't change me."

Of course, that's the way he thinks, that's the way he reads Dan's try to comfort him. And that's why he should have spent more thoughts on it. Because -  
Up to right now, Phil doesn't know. Phil doesn't know Dan watched his shows some time ago, Phil doesn't know he's had a crush on him before.  
(A different kind of crush. Because oh boy, his crush for Phil changed so much since he actually got to know him. Became deeper, more significant, more profound. But he doesn't need to know about that part.)

Still -  
He needs to let him know. Because - yes, it may sound strange, yes, it may sound creepy. But it's a part of him, it's kind of a part of their relationship, so it's just fair to let him in. Even though it's difficult. Even though Dan feels he's blushing as he admits that his uni days sucked even more than he already let Phil know - that his uni days sucked so much he started to watch weather forecasts for some regions in the north he didn't actually know they existed.

“You improved since then. But you weren't bad even back then. And if you don't believe me – just go through your old fan mail. I wrote you when I was drunk again to let you know there was no need to feel insecure.”

Maybe it's a good thing he never actually considered telling Phil about this. (Well, he did consider it, but just as something he'd do some day, nothing concrete.) Because he wouldn't have known how to prepare for that moment and simply telling him, simply using the words first coming to his mind is actually kind of freeing. And because he could have never anticipated Phil's reaction. Phil's surprised look, Phil's smile - okay, he would have expected surprise, he would have wished for a smile, but...  
He wouldn't have expected Phil to jump up, he wouldn't have expected Phil to leave for his room without any further explanations, he wouldn't have expected Phil to return with some crumpled pieces of paper, he -

He wouldn't have expected to see the letter he wrote all those years ago again, right in front of him, on their kitchen table, between their pies.

"Did you mean this letter?"

They both return late to work this day, both a bit shaken. But - wow, seeing the letter again is even more of a throwback than telling Phil about this time. And it hurts as the sentiments from back then return, all those doubts, those feeling of loneliness.  
And at the same time, this moment feels so soothing because things weren't as bad as he thought, because Phil actually read his letter, because Phil kept it for all those years because it meant so much to him.  
And at the same time, there's the present - so much changed and it's just as impressive, it's just as close. Because there's Phil, hugging him, not because he wants to comfort him, not just because he wants to comfort him but because they're both so overwhelmed. Because Phil laughs and sobs at the same time, because Phil lets him know that, yes, okay, this sign from the past is actually quite convincing, because they're both a mess, but they're a mess together and they aren't alone anymore and actually, they haven't been for a while and they believe in each other and -

"You never answered, though."  
"You forgot to add your address, you buffoon."

Things could have gone so differently. If he weren't that drunk when he wrote the letter, if he didn't leave his common sense at home when bringing the letter to the letterbox, if he brought at least enough common sense to remember in the last minute to write his address on the letter...

But there it is, right in front of him, the plain white envelope, just with an address from a television network up north scribbled on it, each letter leaning in a different direction, a stamp with a tiny little forget-me-not on it, its bright baby blue petals partly covered up by the post mark.  
And it's still okay. Things still turned out alright.

They didn't forget.

~*~*~


	9. The Hibiscus Flower

**The Hibiscus Flower**   
_charm, tenderness, adoration_

Sports. A fucking sports documentary.

"Well, not just sports, it's more like traveling and sports combined.", as Jack remarks, his coworker, the poor guy who has to break the news to him, who has to tell him his new project is a sports documentary - no, a 'traveling and sports combined' documentary. And that he has to add the clarification, that he's barely able to hide his smirk just showed how misplaced Dan is.  
It's not like he absolutely despises sports, it's not a taboo for him. But well, he's not exactly a sports person - and judging from Jack's reaction, that's quite obvious.

Doesn't matter. He's still on the team and he won't complain, he takes every opportunity to work on documentaries, to show he's worthy to be trusted with his own documentary one day.  
So traveling and sports combined it is. Or in other words - a trip to Cornwall, England's surfer hot spot.

Cornwall. The place where Sam lives.

Even though he asks Phil quite casually for Sam's number, he spent some time considering this choice beforehand. But well, he isn't just 'not exactly a sports person', he doesn't know anything about surfing in particular. And maybe this is a good time to stop viewing Sam as this dumbass who's got nothing in his head except the perfect wave. (As this dumbass who actually managed to get the guy Dan so desperately wants to have.)  
It's a good idea - of course, it is. Because Sam proves to be the sunny, kind person Dan already got to know, absolutely willing to help him out. Because he may be struggling to explain surfing to him in a video chat, but he follows up their first awkward video with an invitation.

"You know what? Just drop by. I can show you around before the crew arrives so you can get a first impression. And - I know it's such a surfer thing to say. But it all comes across completely different when you can smell the sea."

When Dan arrives at the train station, Sam actually already waits for him. And putting aside the grudge he held against Sam all the time because he 'stole' Phil - he's actually quite handsome. Soft, blonde curls, slightly wet still because he - as he lets Dan know immediately - just returned from the sea, 'just a little paddling' and yes, it only takes this phrase to prove Dan he actually needs to catch up first before actually working on the documentary. A bright yellow hibiscus flower tucked behind his ear. Bronzed skin - damn, that's not what you should look like when you live in England, you're supposed to be pale. (But Cornwall proves to be different from the England Dan's used to within the first few minutes. It's warm, it's sunny, it's not at all like England.)  
But what's more important is his welcoming smile. His excitement. The fact that he keeps his promise, that he shows him his favorite places, the best beaches, the place he stores his surfboards, the way he treats his surfboards, all the time talking about surfing, explaining to him everything he needs to know.

And damn, that's why he likes doing documentaries so much. Because he likes working together with people who love what they're doing, people who get so passionate about something that not exactly a part of his world.

It's more than that, though. It's more than finding that passion that helps him to work on the documentary, it's more than receiving helpful information.  
It's not just about the documentary, it's not just about work. Because he kind of makes peace with Sam, because he kind of accepts that Sam is Phil's boyfriend. After spending some time with him alone, he just can't picture him anymore as this dull, dumb surfer who doesn't give a shit about anything except riding some waves.

But then, Phil joins them. After his last shift, he makes use of his free time by traveling down to Cornwall, too, to reunite with his boyfriend and his roommate. At first, it's fun to hang out together and it almost feels okay to spend time with the couple, but then...

Phil spends more and more time with Dan.  
There's this evening where Sam takes them to his favorite pub - it's actually super cozy and Dan actually grew to like Sam's buddies, the surfers they work with. So sitting together, talking about this and that, listening to this burly guy play the guitar is quite nice. At least for a while - at least the change in mood doesn't happen abruptly. Somehow, the circle dissolves, somehow the big group breaks up into smaller groups - somehow Dan and Phil end up in their own corner, discussing the movie they watched back home in London.  
There are all those times when Phil decides to stay with Dan to help him put away all the equipment instead of joining Sam.  
There are all those times when Dan, Phil and Sam hang out together but instead of making use of the fact he's finally with his boyfriend again, Phil prefers to talk to Dan about the progress with the documentary.

And then, there's their final day, the final day of shooting.

It's a big day - not just because it's their last day in Cornwall, not just because they may have their final chances to get some awesome shots. There's an event Sam and his buddies were looking forward to for a long time, an event that made the BBC crew pick this specific date - the night surf. Sam lets them know it's always a lot of fun - first paddling out the sea, catching some waves while the sun goes down, then some bonfires on the beach...

But on the day that means so much to Sam, he doesn't play a big role for Phil, he doesn't play a big role for Dan. That's not what Dan expected, not at all.

Sam is busy, Sam is too busy to hang out with Phil. It's okay, though. After all, it's his big day, after all, it's all about surfing today so Sam isn't to blame that he doesn't engage more with his boyfriend. (Or his boyfriend's roommate. Because well, he still interacts with Dan, the journalist, there's just no time left for Dan, his boyfriend's mate.)  
What's strange about this is that Dan expected Sam to play a bigger role in their day. Instead, it's just like London, just farther south - just the two of them.

It's this way during the day, during preparations for the big night. And it doesn't stop in the evening. Quite the opposite.

At first, it's just about getting the perfect shot. Dan's regular work at the set was done - this time, he isn't part of the actual shooting. So he picks up one of the leftover cameras, a smaller one, easy to carry, easy to handle. (He did gain some experience with cameras before, after all, that's part of his work. But for what he has in mind - just some extra shots -, one of the big cameras would be overkill.) And of course he asks Phil if he'd like to accompany him, if he'd like to walk further up the cliff in order to get a different view, a different angle on the event.  
And of course, Phil is up to it. Of course, Phil joins him.

The view actually is really nice from up the cliff. Soon, they find the perfect spot to take in the scenery down there at the beach - some aerial shots, almost, with all the small black dots going back and forth on the beach, some of them entering and leaving the sea... You can tell the sun is about to set, it's getting busy down there.

Phil isn't just here to entertain him, though. Even though his work consists of standing in front of a camera, he's super interested in camera work. And it's actually fun to figure out stuff together - the perfect settings, the perfect angle, the perfect storytelling...

After a while, Dan carefully puts the camera into the backpack with his and Phil's stuff and even though he tells himself it's just because he doesn't want to destroy the camera when he trips and he could take it out again any time soon, he actually knows the business part is over, he probably won't take it out again until they return to the crew. Still, they don't head back to the beach yet, they keep on walking, stopping every now and then to enjoy the view.  
Such a nice place. Yes, he gets why Sam moved here - but at the same time, Dan's experience is so different. Because for him, it isn't about the sea, about the perfect wave - for him it's about the solitude of the cliffs, about the calm, about being on his own.  
About being with Phil. Phil's presence is a big part of why he likes this place so much. He radiates this calmness, he makes Dan feel so calm.

It's just like being at home, somehow - only with a better view.  
(Because Phil is his home. Because home is whenever he's with Phil.)

Phil doesn't make a move to return to the beach, to the big event, neither. So they keep on walking, talking about everything that comes to their mind...  
The place they've been to for breakfast - their pancakes were incredible, Phil, the pancake lover, actually considered moving in and even though Dan isn't as crazy about pancakes as him, he really liked them. (They went there on their own - Sam was already down at the beach, surfing. It feels kind of strange because - damn, it's supposed to be Sam's big day and after all, this special day is why they're here. And now, they're hanging out without him all the time... But at the same time, it feels right. At the same time, Dan enjoys being around Phil too much to feel pity for Sam.)  
How Sam and Phil got together - as Dan mocks Phil for not being part of the surfer gang because he's too unathletic, he realizes Phil never told him before. It's quite a surprise they met because they both were into skating back then - not that much of a surprise that Phil was only in for it because everybody did it and stopped shortly after, not that much of a surprise that Sam actually stuck with it and switched to surfing a bit later.  
Dan's finally able to let some steam off, to talk about his work experience down here in Cornwall. Even though they already spent a lot of time together since Phil arrived here, too, they haven't talked about this before. Well, not in depth - Dan did tell him what was going on. But they didn't speak about how it feels like another big step for Dan, how he feels this will be a memorable step in his career, a step that actually changes something. Now, they have enough time for talks like that.

The little path they're walking on meanders up the cliff, always close to the edge. When they reach the highest point in sight, the sun is already setting - turning red, turning everything around it red, the sea, the sky...

This is when they stop.

No words necessary. They just stop. Dan puts their backpack down, they turn towards the sea.  
Incredible. The endless sea, the vast dunes, the rough cliffs... What a view.

Out of the corner of his eye, Dan watches Phil. He also takes in the scenery - there's a slight smile on his lips, he looks so relaxed, so content, so -  
He's happy. Right here, right now, everything is alright, everything is perfect.

Dan's heart takes a leap. Even though his boyfriend is down there, busy surfing, even though he's here with Dan.  
Even though he's here with Dan. Because he's here with Dan?

Doesn't matter. Dan just can't be bothered racking his brain about that. What's actually important is that...  
Being here together, just the two of them, is part of why it's so good. They feel comfortable right now, they feel comfortable around each other.

Dan takes a step to the side, closer to Phil. Their eyes meet, they smile at each other and -  
He doesn't know what the actual fuck he's doing. But damn, he needs to be closer to Phil. And - yes. It's okay.

He puts his arm around Phil's waist, pulls him a bit closer. And Phil -  
As he leans his head on Dan's shoulder, Dan can feel his heart lift. Damn, even though everything is alright, even though he didn't feel like he could make a mistake with Phil right now, there was this little moment of suspense. But no, Phil showed him he's okay with getting even closer.  
Dan lets his head rest against Phil's.

And feeling him so close, hugging him, being so close even though it's so vast out here, even though they'd had enough space to keep at distance... Sharing this moment in yet another way because damn, this feels so much more intimate than just looking at the sunset.  
(He'd kiss him. He'd just kiss Phil if it wasn't for his boyfriend down there, one of those tiny black spots so far away.)

When they return to the beach, the sun already disappeared behind the horizon. Most of the surfers left the sea by now - only some amateur surfers are left, trying to get on their boards, stumbling, laughing. The rest gathered around the campfires lit all across the beach - even most of Dan's crew put aside their equipment and joined the celebrations, beer cans in their hands, talking to the guys they filmed for the last few days...  
And then, there's Sam, heading towards them as soon as he spots them, handing them some beer cans, too, his smile is so broad, you can clearly tell the day he's been waiting for was a success.  
It actually hurts a bit to see the change in Sam's smile when he asks Phil if he liked watching him and Phil admits he didn't actually see anything because he was busy accompanying Dan to the cliffs.

The next morning, when Sam takes them to the train station for their trip back to London, he looks tired - and Dan guesses it's probably not only because of the long night, because of the beers he had, because of having to get up this early.  
The bright yellow hibiscus tucked behind his ear again is withering.

~*~*~


	10. The Chamomile

**The Chamomile**   
_solace, healing, patience, hope_

Nothing changes.

When they return to London, life goes on as it did before their trip to Cornwall. They hang out together, playing games, discussing movies, just living together. Dan's crew doesn't take a break, they start working on editing their Cornwall material as early as the same day they came back home - just an hour in the evening, brainstorming on how to proceed with their work but still, it's an important step in their project. Phil returns to work, too, and damn, Dan still likes to drop by his studio, to see him giggle before shooting, just to turn all serious when the camera starts rolling but not losing the smile on his face...  
Nothing changed about Dan's everyday life. And that's totally okay, it shouldn't - it's not like he expected Cornwall to have such a big impact it'd turn everything upside down and he's quite glad he can just return to this everyday life.

It also means nothing changed between Sam and Phil, though.

Damn, he thinks a lot about this moment on the cliffs. When they were so close, when Sam didn't matter anymore, when he felt this connection, when he felt both of them wanted to be that close, both of them -  
It had no consequences. Even though he was so sure Sam was really disappointed with Phil's behavior especially on their last day in Cornwall. Maybe they made up, maybe Phil told him not to worry because the only reason for this behavior was Sam being busy, maybe it doesn't even matter to them, maybe they didn't even notice the change in mood, maybe Dan is just overanalyzing.

Whatever it is - it's a pretty obvious sign. Sam and Phil are happy together, even if Dan believes that Phil could be happier with him. They won't break up. Phil won't leave Sam in order to show up on his doorstep to tell him tearfully he's in love with him, he's been all the time and Sam was just a placeholder, someone to keep him busy while he waited for his true love.  
(Ugh, Dan hates himself for believing this fairy tale before. Normally, he isn't that naive, he isn't that dumb.)  
He needs to let go.

So Dan starts dating other guys. First, it sounds impossible, but wow, surprisingly, there are actually some guys out there wanting to date, too, when you actually keep an eye out for them. (When you're not busy hoping for the impossible to happen - when you're not busy being in love with your roommate.)  
There's Noah, the cute barista from Starbucks who used to be so reserved when Dan turned up with Phil but is so talkative, so interested in Dan when he's there on his own.  
There's Harry, the first guy he finds on this stupid dating app who isn't just looking for a hookup. (Maybe he should consider turning to hookups, too. Maybe getting some dick would make him stop thinking about Phil that way.)  
There's Daniel - yet another Starbucks acquaintance and of course, it's their names that cause their first meeting. Because they both head up to the counter when the barista (not Noah, though) announces Dan's drink, because they both reach for it at the same time, almost knocking down the cup, then looking at each other and - maybe Dan would have been annoyed with someone else. But Daniel's smile is infectious - and it's gorgeous.

Each one of them is a good choice. Noah has the sweetest voice ever and just listening to him is so relaxing. (He misses the variety, though. When Phil talks, his voice changes all the time - lower, higher, a giggle hidden in his voice...)  
Harry is totally into the Renaissance and Dan enjoys hearing him talk about it, with this passion, with this excitement. (Just like he got to know so much about meteorology since the day he first talked to Phil. No, damn it. Not Phil again.)  
Daniel is so ambitious - he gets it when Dan cancels their date on the last minute because he's still at work. After all, he'd do the same, after all, he understands how it feels to get that urge to just finish this one thing, to make yet another step in a project. (He doesn't wait with dinner for him, though. He doesn't stay up late so he can at least tell him goodnight when he's finally done, though. Phil does.)

Each of them is a good choice - each of them and all the other guys Dan meets, too. (Okay, of course not all of them. But now that he actively tries to get to know some men, he actually gets to know a few potential partners.)  
But none of them is Phil. It just doesn't feel that good to be around them than it does with Phil. It would be okay, after all, Phil is his best friend and it's totally fine to have a different relationship with his best friend than with his partner, but... He doesn't feel he's bonding with them. Because he prefers hanging out with Phil, because he starts looking forward to the end of the dates just a quarter hour in because he can't wait to get home again, to get to Phil.

And then, there's the date with Shaun. He's actually some kind of taboo because he's a coworker in a way - he employed at the BBC, too, he works on several equality reports. Such an interesting person and after all those years he spent closeted, Dan really admires to see someone try to change the world for people like him. Still, he gets absent after a while, still, it gets boring to be with him.  
This time, Shaun realizes what's going on. He calls him out on his absentmindedness and when Dan innocently admits he'd rather be with Phil right now - it seemed so harmless, just a little mood swing, something you could admit without making it seem like he isn't interested in Shaun, like he's in love with another guy -, they actually get into a fight. Because Shaun tells him he's not just a replacement, someone who's there for Dan because his best friend wouldn't fuck him - and it hurts, it hurts so much because it's so close to the truth, because Dan feels guilty but at the same time, he isn't able to admit his guilt, to tell Shaun he's sorry, because - damn, he tried, he tried so much. He didn't see Shaun as a replacement, he didn't try to project his feelings for Phil onto him. It was supposed to become a regular relationship and fuck, he's the one who regrets it the most that it just. doesn't. work. out., goddammit.

Nevertheless, he calls Phil on his way home. Not to complain about Shaun, not to let out his frustration - it can wait until when he's back at their place. Just hearing his voice, just talking to him - Phil realizes he's not doing well, he hears he'd been crying but he doesn't pressure into telling him the reason, he knows Dan will do so anyway when he's ready to, so he starts chatting about the people he met in the supermarket and even though his day was a disaster, it just takes this little silliness to make Dan laugh, to make him relax a bit.  
When he enters their apartment, there's a big pot of chamomile tea waiting for him - and there's Phil, hugging him, listening to him complaining about Shaun even though his explanation may sound incoherent (he just can't let him know the real reason for their fight, after all), even though Dan's explanation may sound to him like Shaun was right and he was wrong.

And this is why he can't let go of Phil. Because just being with him, sitting on the couch, hugging, talking, the sweet, flowery smell of the tea in the air, is better than any date he recently had.

~*~*~


	11. The Jasmine

**The Jasmine**   
_happiness, attachment, attraction_

Little white flowers dancing around. Swoosh, swoosh, backwards, forwards - actually, they aren't moving that fast but when you're really focused on them, it seems like they're dancing.  
Little white flowers on a dark blue background. Little white flowers on Phil's shirt, on the shirt he and Phil picked when they went out shopping for this night. They were actually going for a simpler look - the classic black-white suit aesthetic. But then, Dan dared Phil to try on this shirt and well, he doesn't look like he's working as a broker or something like that but - he doesn't, he works for a television station, after all, so getting something more exceptional is totally fine, they decided. (Of course, Phil didn't let him get away with it. 'I can't be the only one who people look at twice.'. He wouldn't be, even without Dan supporting him - Dan was sure there would be enough starlets around who wanted to show off. But he got the hint. And a black-and-white lace-print shirt featuring some skulls.)

He's so beautiful. So damn beautiful and even though Dan preferred to have Phil by his side, to talk to him for the whole evening, he actually enjoys their little break, too - just watching him from afar, watching him talk to some guys from the weather department, laughing, darting a look at Dan every now and then... Soon, they'll reunite, soon, Phil will retreat from his coworkers to walk over to him again - Dan can tell from his looks, they're on the edge of 'save me, please'. And after all, just watching Phil gets boring, too.  
Not for now, though. For now, it's nice to -

To be apart and yet together.

Someone nudging him in the side takes away his attention from Phil.

"Thought you wouldn't come."

Dan glances down at Jacky. She wears a bright red dress - quite an unusual look, Dan is used to seeing her in more comfortable clothes, clothes that allow her to reel around other people.

"I changed my mind, apparently."

A nod. A knowing smile.

"It's because of him, isn't it?"

No need to explain who 'he' is. Just a tiny little nod, a tiny little confirmation that basically doesn't actually exist but well, at the same time, it does - it does because Jacky already knows, Jacky, the exuberant stylist who seems to know everyone at the BBC but still is able to catch the little things, to remember the little things, like Dan telling her last year he wouldn't attend this event anymore because he hated being around all these wannabe important people.

Yes, he did change his mind. When Phil liked the idea of the annual BBC gathering - nothing official, still something big, an event where everyone working with the BBC, staff and stars alike, meet, an event to see and to be seen. Because - yes, it sucked last year. But he couldn't let Phil go on his own.

He tells him, later in the evening. They're in some corner, observing the other guests but not really, because by now, it actually got boring (just like last year. But now, there's Phil.), chatting about stuff that isn't about the other guests anymore when Phil straightforward lets him know Jacky told him he didn't want to attend anymore.  
He thought he could trust her. He thought she just likes to know things - something she's so good at because you don't even have to tell her, she just sees things -, he thought she wouldn't talk about it. But at the same time, Phil's question proves his judgment to be right. After all, Phil doesn't seem like Jacky told him about the important part. Why he's here. (Well, that's obvious. But she didn't tell him.) The look in his eyes that gave away why he's here.

"Were you scared someone would steal me away from you if you didn't accompany me?"  
"I was worried about you, here, on your own."

He actually was. Thinking back on his experience, visiting this event on his own... Seeing that Phil feels even more uncomfortable around strangers, it was really generous to join him.  
But at the same time, he did it for himself. Because, damn, being with Phil is a nice thing, even if it's at an event like that.

It doesn't take long for Phil's excitement to wear completely off. They didn't even serve the dessert yet when Phil yawns and proposes to leave. 'Gotta get up early tomorrow', he lets everyone who's close enough to hear him know and Dan can barely hide his grin because - well, Phil tried hard but his yawn was pretty unconvincing and his excuse pretty flimsy.  
(At the same time, it makes his heart race. Phil must know he doesn't convince Dan, Phil must know it takes more to convince the guy he shares an apartment with. He isn't tired, he doesn't want to go to bed yet. And it's okay that Dan knows it.)

Dan's right. (Of course, he is. Damn, he spends so much time with this guy - sometimes, he feels he knows him by heart.) They don't get a cab when they're leaving the building, they're not even heading home. Instead, they get on a tube, it seems like Phil just picks a random one, the first one entering the station, but it takes them to the River Thames -  
Damn, even though they've lived in London for a while now, the view is still spectacular, the view is still breathtaking. Maybe it wasn't chance after all that they ended up here.

Doesn't matter. They're at the River Thames, they both don't feel like sleeping, they both don't feel like going home and oh Lord, they definitely both don't feel like returning to the party. There's no need to talk about it – they're both in for a walk along the river.  
And that's what they do. Just strolling along in silent consent.

Doesn't mean everything stays unspoken, though. It's like they never were at that event - Dan can't tell how they reached that point but somehow, they're sharing family stories, rolling their eyes at their annoying brothers...  
(Imagine he could still be stuck at that party, forced to do small talk with some actress that's part of a pre-prime-time serial...)

Only as they decide to take a break, only as they take a seat on a bench, looking at the numerous lights across the river, looking at the tiny lights in the treetop above them, looking at the bright little lights of the London Eye, Dan addresses the first part of their evening again.

"So you didn't like the big party?"

Phil slightly moves his head. A nod – a shake? Dan can't tell.

"I thought I wanted to meet all those people, but... Some of them can be really annoying."  
"Wow, what a surprise."  
"Hey, I didn't say I hate it. I just...”

Phil falls silent, he turns his head. Back to watching the lights again?  
(It's okay. After all, Dan knows how he feels. The event wasn't exactly a torture, but it wasn't super pleasing either. No need to discuss it further.)  
No. He isn't finished, Dan can tell as soon as their eyes meet, as soon as he sees the resolution in Phil's eyes.  
There are things left to say.

“I realized those people didn't bother me. I didn't want to be there any longer."

Silence. Tension. Even though Phil's explanation sounds so harmless, even though he didn't say anything to cause the tension.  
A deep breath.

"Because I wanted to be with you."

Dan never understood how you could tell someone you weren't dating that you loved them. But -  
Still, it applies. After all, there are reasons you're not dating and the same reasons should keep you from telling them you loved them. Nevertheless, there are so many other things Dan could say.

You make me laugh even on my worst days. Not at once, but I appreciate that you're patient, that you're not giving up on me. And in the end, you make it. You make me laugh again.  
You're my first best friend and I couldn't have asked for a better one.  
Even when I feel so lonely, I know you're by my side.  
You actually changed my life, Phil.

It boils all down to the same thing, though, to the same three words.

The world around them turns silent.  
The monotone traffic sounds? Doesn't matter anymore.  
The amazing view? Doesn't matter anymore.  
The lights? Doesn't matter anymore.

Phil's eyes. Locking eyes with him. No need to look away anymore. Smiling at each other. It's just them right now. And Dan's heart feels so full, so - overwhelmed, somehow and at the same time, everything falls into place, everything is okay, neither of them needs to say everything else because - they know.  
The flowers have stopped dancing. All is calm.

~*~*~


	12. The Larkspur

**The Larkspur**   
_levity, lightness, lighthearted, changeable, fun_

Valentine's Day.  
Dan really didn't mind Valentine's Day - and above all, being single on Valentine's Day. He grew out of that phase where he despised this day – by now, he was able to ignore it. Who cares, anyway? He isn't that much into roses and chocolates anyway.  
Well, 'was'. Because when December turns into January, when February slowly approaches, Sam gets in touch with him. And this time, it's his turn, this time, he calls in a favour.

Valentine's Day.  
He wants to make it special, he wants to make something big. 'Don't want to give in to the peer pressure, but... I need a special day anyway. So why not pick Valentine's Day?'.  
For Phil, of course. And - damn, Dan wasn't even starting yet to prepare for the fact that this Valentine's Day might be different, because he lives together with his crush who's in a committed relationship with another man - Sam overwhelmed him long before he even reached that point, Sam shoved the reality in his face before he could even think about it.

So, Valentine's Day planning it is. Because he can't say no to Sam, to the guy who helped him out so much when he traveled to Cornwall, because they actually became something like friends, not exactly close ones but it's okay to talk to him every now and then.  
(Because he just couldn't explain why he'd drop out. Because he just couldn't tell Sam that no, he can't help him because he's in love with the guy he's preparing the surprise for.)

Working with Sam isn't exactly easy. He's super stubborn, he's super indecisive - a bad mixture, really. He sends so many messages, wants to know so much, wants to know Dan's opinion on so many things but when he gets an answer that doesn't fit his picture, he tends to ignore it, when he gets an answer that makes him rethink his current idea, he wants to overthrow everything he just built up. So they switch almost every day – one day, it's a romantic dinner at an expensive restaurant, the next day, it's a trip to the coast, then he plans to invite Phil to the Warner Bros Studios. But no, that's too arrogant, too much self-referred, too childish. They need to start over. Over and over again.

And then, Phil cancels on Sam.

Apparently, Sam asked him before if they'd meet up on Valentine's Day and Phil kind of put him on hold, told him he's still quite unsure because of his work schedule - and on this day, he came to the conclusion he just couldn't make it, he may be able to find some free hours for Sam, of course, but it would feel so halfhearted, it would be nothing more than just a few stolen hours.

When Sam calls Dan to let him know the news, he sounds so disappointed. And fuck, Dan knows this sentiment, it's so damn familiar, he's seen it in Sam before. It's just like when they were in Cornwall and Phil decided to spend all his time with Dan instead of watching Sam do the thing he loves most.  
It's not just the disappointment. It's... guilt? Because Sam feels like he has no right to be disappointed, because he's scared he might get angry at Phil for destroying his plans - he just wants to respect Phil's feeling and in order to do so, he pushes back his own feelings. And even after taking everything into account, the fact that Dan is actually quite glad Phil chose him over Sam back in Cornwall, the fact that Phil's explanation sounded pretty reasonable, he still feels so sorry for Sam, it still feels awful to watch him struggle, it still feels awful to literally hear him put back on his usual smile at the end of the phone call when he tells Dan it's alright, it just wasn't supposed to be and maybe it's even better that way because after all, he isn't really able to make plans for just one day and - isn't it better to spoil Phil all year round instead of just one day?

All of a sudden, Valentine's Day isn't that threatening anymore. Yes, it sucks to be single on that day, but well, at least he now knows that you don't feel that much better when you're Phil's boyfriend.

Thus, Valentine's Day is just a regular day for Dan. Phil and him have breakfast together, they leave for work together, they grab lunch together... Things change when they meet after work - Dan finished work a bit earlier but he did some shopping in the shops nearby while waiting for Phil.

That's when Phil asks him out on a date.

Well, that's not how he phrases it. First, he asks if he has any plans for this evening and when Dan denies, he tells him about this cool exhibition at the Tate Modern and that they could go there together. They could get some kind of fast food, then they'd be just on time as the gallery has longer opening hours today.  
Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

But -  
Sam.

Of course, it would be easier to just forget about Sam. Phil made his decision, he's a reasonable adult, it's fine. But still, Dan spent so much time helping Sam, it would feel like some kind of betrayal to just let it drop that Phil picked him instead of his boyfriend. (Again.)  
Surprisingly, Phil seems to have expected this kind of question.

"You planned something, I know. You weren't subtle, both of you."

First, he just repeats what he told Sam - that, after all, he spent the whole day at work and making Sam come over for a single evening would be unfair. But as they sit down on a bench to eat their kebab, he blurts something out - a completely different side of his declination.

Yes, he was worried he was too busy with work to appreciate Sam's effort, Sam's work (Dan's, too, of course). But it was also so overwhelming - too overwhelming, that is. He felt he couldn't appreciate Sam's effort appropriately anyway, felt like he couldn't enjoy a special date with Sam so much that it justified the efforts.

"Of course, i felt bad to cancel on him. But I felt even worse seeing him put so much effort into planning something."

And that's why Dan just can't let go of this damn hope. Not only because their chemistry is so great, not only because it feels like he actually found his soulmate in Phil, not only because he's head over heels in love with Phil - it's because something seems to be off in Sam's and Phil's relationship. Because Phil wasn't okay with having a date with Sam but even was the one to initiate a date with Dan.  
Because he feels they could actually have a future together.

Luckily, they're both able to put aside the thoughts on Sam and on Phil's relationship as soon as they enter the Tate Modern. The exhibition actually is amazing - even though Dan isn't quite sure they're appreciating it in the right way, in the way the artists and other visitors intend them to. All those rooms filled with mist, all those optical illusions... And well, he can't really consider the right way of appreciating the art when he's too busy laughing at the distorted image of Phil's face.

There's no need to stop laughing when they leave the gallery - there's enough to laugh about. For both of them - Phil's just as giggly as him. The guy on the tube who fell asleep all the time, his head plummeting on his chest again and again. The pigeons arguing about some breadcrumbs on their exit. The flickering lights on their street - at any other time, they would be scary, but right now, Dan feels so light, so happy, so -  
And Phil feels the same.

Dan didn't expect to get a rose on this day. But now, there's this larkspur sitting in a vase on his desk, so tall, towering over his lamp and when he looks at it, he can't help but think about this evening, about their Valentine's Day, about their - date. And even though Phil handed him the flower because he found it so ridiculous that it looked like a penis, a very lanky, long penis in the dark with its blossoms closed, it makes him smile even when the laughter has passed.

~*~*~


	13. The Daffodil

**The Daffodil**   
_new beginnings, hope, happiness, celebration, respect_

"I'm doing it."

No need for Phil to clarify what he's talking about. No need for Dan to check if they're thinking of the same thing. No need for -  
No need for them to talk about it. At least, that seems to be what Phil is thinking. He picks up his cardboard box filled with spicy noodles and tries to get as many of them into his mouth as possible.

Well, Dan doesn't feel that much like just continuing to eat - he actually feels the need to talk to Phil about his decision. They may have talked about it before, but... It's different now. Now that Phil actually took the big step.  
If Phil wants to eat first, though...

They sit next to each other in silence, finishing their Asian takeaway. But as soon as Phil puts the final fork into his mouth, Dan rises to speak.

"It's a good idea. Really."

It's been their main topic for the last few weeks. Should Phil quit his job so he could try something new?  
Some time ago, they both began making videos. Phil started a bit earlier (seeing him working with his own camera, with his own ideas, the way he did it, how much fun he had, that's what inspired Dan to try it, too) and it made sense that he enjoys it. He always liked camerawork, always loved storytelling. Dan is actually quite surprised that he took the part with 'standing in front of a camera' from his actual job because it took him such a long time - and so, so much experience - for him to feel alright, but seeing him talk to the camera in his videos proves it's a reasonable decision because he's good at it, he's actually a good presenter, vlogger, whatever. (He was super nervous in the start, in his first few videos, but he became quite comfortable recording himself soon.)  
It isn't just about making videos, though. Phil started uploading them on YouTube and - well, it worked out. People wanted to see his stuff, people wanted to see even more than one video, people wanted to follow his way, wanted to hear what he had to say. He gained views, he gained subscribers and - Dan doesn't tell Phil about it but he checks his numbers a lot and every time he does, every time he sees an increase, he feels incredibly proud.  
(It's so understandable, though. Phil's videos are awesome.)

Even though Phil's decision sounded so certain, there's still some doubt in his voice now.

"Maybe. Maybe not."

Lately, his views have gotten to a point where he was actually able to earn money from his videos. This is even more validation for Phil - yet another number that proves that people out there care about his stuff. Well, the additional money wasn't that bad either.  
And at the same time, Phil got really frustrated about his job. Yes, it's just what he wanted to do with his life, yes, it's just what he dreamt of when he was little, but...  
It's boring. It's the same everyday. As Phil told him - 'they could just take some old clips of me and cut them together and the result would be the same.'.

So when the first YouTube money arrived on his bank account, Phil seriously started considering getting a new job - a job he already had.

It wasn't an easy decision - so many steps led up to this moment, to the moment when he could Dan know he'd do it, he'd quit his job.  
Not presenting the weather anymore would mean he'd have more time for his videos. Right now, he's just working on them after his shifts or on free days - stolen hours, nothing more, he can't really take his time to focus on them, he can't really pick the perfect time of day, he needs to work around his circumstances. And Phil would really like to improve his videos.  
On the other hand... Right now, he has a secure job. He knows when to go to work, he knows what to do, there are people taking care about the stuff surrounding his job, his salary gets transferred every month, no matter what. Is it the right decision to let go of this? To pray with every video that it will be good enough to let him stay on target? Right now, he may get paid by YouTube, right now, his YouTube money may actually pay the rent, but what about the future? It's so risky, damn. What if it's over soon? Then he doesn't have a job he can return to, no way to make money anymore.  
But there are so many stories to tell...

Apparently, the pros finally outweighed the cons. That didn't make the cons disappear, though.

Phil doesn't really want to talk about this. His gaze wanders around, he takes in their surroundings - they went to a park, just sat down in the grass to eat their takeaway. There are so many kinds of people around them - children playing ball, some grannies enthusiastically clicking together their knitting needles, some teenagers, students, Dan can't exactly tell.  
(Some time ago, Phil was part of a group like that, too. When he went down to the big city with some of his friends, Dan happened to be there, too, with his nan and his little brother. And now, he's here, at Phil's side, with Phil trusting him so much that he lets him know about his worries, about his doubts.)  
(Wow.)

It's a really nice afternoon. The sun is shining, they're sitting under a tree, just in the shadow, its leaves rustling in the wind, there are blooming flowers all around them, some of them nodding their heads in the breeze...

Doesn't help Phil relax, though. It's Dan who needs to take care of that.

"Don't worry. Even if it doesn't work out, you can still stay at our flat."

Success - at least a bit, at least Phil rolls his eyes at him, at least Phil laughs.  
Then, Dan gets a bit more serious.

"We will work it out, okay?"

Now, he should probably distract Phil. Before he could start doubting his assurance, before he could start doubting everything.

"When are you going to do it?"  
"Tomorrow, I guess. I'll try to catch the head of department after work. Before someone can try to talk me out of it."

Oh, yet another thing to make him unsure. When Phil told his family, his friends up north, his boyfriend about his idea of quitting his job in order to focus on his YouTube career... Oh, boy. The stereotypical 'internet won't pay your bills' talk...  
No, that's not the right way to distract Phil. Dan needs to show him why his choice is right - why his choice is right even if it may not work out, even if he may fail at some point.

"Tell me about one of your ideas."

And thus, the mood changes. Dan can literally see how Phil lets go, how he relaxes - his face brightens, he leans back a bit, closes his eyes...  
Then, he starts to talk. About interactive videos where the viewer has to pick something and their choice will lead them to different videos - about a space adventure - about this vibrant story that takes place in space, that takes the viewer on a journey to space - about yet another idea, a movie he could make one day because “I'm not quite sure it would fit a single video” - or maybe a book - or a comic. And seeing his eyes light up, watching him gesticulate to get his point across, noticing his excitement...

It doesn't only convince him Phil's actually on the right track, or it's right to support Phil in his wish to focus on making videos. No, it also makes him wonder again if he shouldn't just join Phil. "You're just waiting to see how things turn out for me. You're letting me test the grounds first.", Phil remarked when Dan told him about this vague plan. But no, it's more than that - and it's even more than just not being able to let go of his old dream. After all, he isn't as uncomfortable with his job as Phil – he's uncomfortable with his job for other reasons. After all, he'd still love to have his own documentary one day. But up to now, he's still waiting. Waiting while he just acts as some kind of intern, just doing some minor jobs.  
Admittedly, making his own videos, starting his own video world just like Phil plans to, sounds even more tempting than getting his own documentary. More difficult because it would be his responsibility alone, but also more freedom by taking care of everything by yourself.

"You'll let me test the grounds."  
"You were always one step ahead."

Somehow, Phil is some kind of role model for him. But at the same time, it doesn't feel like they're on different levels, it doesn't feel like he's behind, it doesn't feel like Phil belittles him. Especially since he's so close to Phil's journey. Especially since he's a part of Phil's journey.

And that's the best thing about comforting Phil. Not the fact that it made Dan relax, made Dan's worries he'd guide him down the wrong path stop. Not the fact that it's so inspiring. No, it's just... Watching Phil. Listening to Phil. Diving into all these stories while the daffodils all around them nod in approval.

~*~*~


	14. The Camellia

**The Camellia**   
_admiration, longing_

Shadows and lights dancing over the wall, over the bed, over Phil. Dark, bright, dark, bright, dark -

Sharing a bed with Phil is natural, somehow. Well, once, it wasn't, after all, they're roommates and roommates don't necessarily share beds. But one time, they watched a movie in Phil's bed, just because it was too cold in the living room, and Dan fell asleep and when he woke up again, Phil had put a blanket over him, Phil was lying next to him, sleeping, so - Dan stayed. Just like Phil did when Muse released their new album and they listened to it together in Dan's room and they both slowly dozed off. Just like the next time they watched a movie together. Just like when Dan started hanging out in Phil's bedroom because it just felt so cozy. Just like -  
By now, they don't even talk about it anymore- By now, they don't even need a reason anymore. By now, 'I want to sleep in your bed' is a completely valid reason and even though Dan enjoys having enough space in his bed - after all, he's a tall lad -, he enjoys sleeping next to Phil even more. So they don't talk about if it's okay, about which room to choose, it just happens in silence.  
(It's so strange when Sam's visiting. When Phil's bed is occupied and Dan knows Phil won't show up in his bed tonight. Well, at least he didn't walk into Phil's room half-asleep while Sam is over yet - would be quite difficult to explain.)

It's so natural. Just like this moment. Just like lying next to Phil, watching him but not really, listening to Muse, just being together, just being quiet together, just - 

And yet, it's different. Because it's not just sharing a bed, because they moved closer and closer and closer, because Phil put his arm around him, because Phil's hand rests on his back, because Dan hugs Phil, because they're so close, so damn close, because they're enjoying being so close -

And yet, this isn't what makes this moment so different. Cuddling isn't exactly new, either - it just happens when you spend so much time together, when you can't even let go of each other in the night.

No, it's -

Closer. Even closer than before. Getting even closer. And -  
Phil's breath on his face. Seeing every single eyelash, even in this faint light. Caressing his cheek. Phil's hand on his neck - and it's so strange, so otherworldly, because normally, this touch would make him lose his shit, would make him snap, but right now, he feels - nothing? No, no. Something else. Not the panic he's used to when someone touches his neck, but -  
It feels comfortable. It feels soft. It feels like... Butterflies in his stomach. A strange mixture between warmth spreading from his chest and excitement, thrill, jitters.  
And -  
It's all about Phil. Nothing else matters anymore, even his thoughts are silenced. It's just about being with Phil, being in a little bubble far, far away from the rest of the world, with Phil.

Closer. Even closer. And -

They're going to kiss. Dan can't tell where this signal comes from, he can't tell if he has this thought in his head because he's the one who wants to start that kiss - it's just that knowledge that it's going to happen. That it doesn't matter who takes the first step because it's supposed to happen, right here, right now.

And then -  
Phil's lips. On his. His hand in Phil's hair, trying to find stability but at the same time it's not necessary because -  
Phil's lips. Phil's kiss. Their kiss. Lips moving against each other, just tiny little movements, just like the movements that started the kiss, but they're there, the kiss is there, it's happening and it's overwhelming and everything feels so in place and Dan feels so calm and so excited at the same time and -

Then it's over. Just like that. Phil's moves back a tiny little bit, barely enough to stop the kiss and Dan feels like someone threw a bucket of cold water on him. Because Phil's eyes are so wide all of a sudden, because Phil doesn't look like he's floating in their tiny bubble anymore, because Phil -

"I can't."

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. That's not good, that's not good at all.  
The softness disappeared. Instead, Dan feels like an ice cold hand wrapped its long, thin fingers around his heart, squeezing, squeezing, squeezing, without remorse.

He -  
Phil -  
No. Please, no.

And then, there's the anger. Pushes aside the fear, the confusion, the helplessness.

'I can't.' - Ah, right. Then - why did he do it? Why did he let Dan get this close? Why did he come this close? Why didn't he care about Sam just a few moments ago, about his fucking boyfriend, about everything that keeps him away from Dan?

He sits up, pushes the blanket aside. Still being so close to Phil feels unbearable.

"Stop playing games, Phil."

Seeing the expression on Phil's face turning from puzzled to hurt... Damn, it pulls apart his heart. Because just a few moments ago, everything was different, everything was alright, he felt so comfortable, so much at ease and now, there's this turmoil and his anger is dominating.  
And still, he can't stop. Still, the rage is there, blurring his sight, turning his stomach upside down.

"Maybe it's time to finally pick a side."

It feels so odd to express this. Because - it has been there all the time, somehow. Not with that much wrath, not that evident, but it has been an underlying sentiment all the time. Damn, they could be something else right now, they're on the verge of being 'more than friends', they actually are 'more than friends', but still, there's Sam and it just doesn't fit the picture, Dan and Sam just can't be in the same picture. And yet, they are. Since he first talked to Phil, since they moved in together, since they became friends - since they became 'more than friends'.  
And having Sam intervene just at that moment, at a moment where he felt so much at ease, where everything fell into place...

It hurts. It hurts so much that he isn't able to hold back anymore, so much that his rage prevails.  
He buries his fingers into the blanket, his grip so tight that his knuckles start hurting, and still -  
It's so fucking overwhelming. It's just - too much, all too much. Being so close to Phil and then, just like that, being so far away, feeling so estranged, feeling so -  
Lonely. So damn lonely. And he hates Phil for making him feel this way but at the same time he knows Phil can only make him feel this way because he loves him, because he goddamn loves him even if it's so pathetic to actually love someone who doesn't want to be with you, who doesn't want to be with you that way - but realizing Phil has this power over him, seeing what Phil does with this power...  
No. It shouldn't be like that. (And maybe he hates himself for being so weak. Or maybe - maybe it's just pure despair. Because no one is to blame and yet, and still he feels like shit.)

Damn, he's locked in a stalemate. He's standing right in front of a wall and all the time, he ignored it, he kept the tiny hope in the back of his head that there might be a way to overcome the wall – that there might be a chance that Phil reciprocates his feelings, that there might be a chance they'd end up together.  
There isn't. Phil backing away after their kiss was the final proof, Phil backing away after the kiss finally made Dan aware of the wall in front of him.  
Fuck, it will just go on like that. Nothing will change. Then, one day, Sam will ask Phil to marry him and Phil will agree because – why wouldn't he? And all that's left for Dan is to sneak out with Phil the night before the wedding – no, not to seduce the spouse-to-be, but to calm him down because marrying Sam the next day will make Phil so nervous, in a good way, of course.  
He's fucked. Dan's fucked.

There's Phil. Just a few feet away from him and he got up from the bed and he's pacing up and down the side of the bed, up and down, up and down, running his fingers through his hair, making it stand in all directions, and Dan wants to shout at him to fucking calm down, Dan wants to just walk over, grab him by the shoulders and let him know he isn't supposed to be distressed because that's his part, that's his fucking part because he's the one who fell in love with his roommate, even though he had a boyfriend, even though it never occurred to him to break up with him because he's happy with having a boyfriend by his side and on top of that a roommate who has a crush on him because hey, who wouldn't?  
And still, at the same time, there's this urge to put his arms around Phil, to make him calm down. Not because his distress is making him angry, but simply because he doesn't want him to be upset, because he can't stand seeing Phil like that - can't stand seeing Phil unhappy.

And then -

"I'm so sorry."

His vision decreases the trembling, his world doesn't shake that much anymore. Doesn't mean he's calm, though, doesn't mean his heart doesn't hurt anymore. But now -  
It's a bit different now. He's still so angry, he's still so - so helpless, in a way, and that helplessness makes him angry because damn, he doesn't like to lose control but right now, he did, he's not in charge anymore and he hates it. Still, now there's something else. The realization that he can't just blame Phil, he can't treat Phil like the bad guy because he simply isn't, because he didn't plan on hurting Dan, because he didn't laugh about him, about his crush behind his back.

"I know. You deserve something better. And Sam does so, too."

No. No, no, no.  
Well, yes. That's just what he was thinking. But - that was a few minutes ago, when he was blinded by the rage. Now, he realized it's not that easy.

Dan closes his eyes, he takes a few deep breaths. He needs to calm down, damn it, for the sake of both of them, for the sake of their friendship. Because - he can't just shout at Phil, he can't just put the blame on Phil.  
And he can't let Phil put the blame on himself.  
(Even if it's so tempting. Even if it would be such an easy outlet for his anger. Even if it would help him ignore his helplessness.)

The anger slowly fades away. What's left is...  
Emptiness. Just - bland, echoing emptiness. Because he can't be that angry at Phil if he acknowledges that it's just for his own protection, that he just turned against Phil so he wouldn't get confronted with all the chaos.  
Yes, they kissed. Yes, Phil isn't okay with it in the hindsight. But there's more to that than what his anger told him.

He looks up at Phil, their eyes meet. And apparently that's what Phil needed to - 

"I don't know what to do anymore. I can't tell what's wrong or right and it feels like whatever I decide is the wrong choice and I just end up hurting everyone and -"

A storm of words. A flood of words. Phil goes on and goes on and he stumbles over his own words and sometimes, he gets so caught up, sometimes he repeats himself, sometimes he loses his train of thought but there's so much he needs to talk about, apparently.

His issues with Sam - they get along really well, of course, but this may also be due to Sam getting along with everyone and Phil being quite affable, too. Who knows - would they even be friends if they weren't a couple? Probably not, Phil says, they'd probably just be loosely acquainted, nothing more. And well, he doesn't expect his boyfriend to be his best friend - after all, you still have friends next to your relationship and your partner doesn't have to fulfill the friend role too. Still, he wonders if he's just talking himself into believing that, still, he sometimes believes he may actually be in love with his best friend and -  
(Phil called him his best friend several times. And this implication hurts so, so much.)  
Presumably, they're only a couple because they are both a) affable and b) gay. Because you need to take what you get and when you stumble across a good-looking nice guy who happens to be gay - what else could he ask for?

Thinking about breaking up with Sam. (Yes, he says it just like that. And Dan's heart drops. This is everything he could hope for but at the same time, it's so wrong to hope for something like that.) Because it probably doesn't make sense to stay in a relationship anymore.  
But - he can't. He isn't someone who just lets go when things get rough. Phil swore to himself he'd make their relationship work, come whatever may. Long distance relationship? No problem. Different paths in life? Nothing you'd need to break up over. Getting tired of their relationship? Who thought the feeling of being in love would last forever anyway?  
And he can't do it because of another guy.

"Sam tries to make it work, too. You know, he isn't that kind of surfer who's barely good enough to go surfing on the local beaches - it's not like he's barely one step above 'doesn't drown'. He's talented - he could have taken part in bigger competitions, he could have moved to the US or to Australia. But he didn't. Because of me. It took so long until I finally convinced him to move to Cornwall at least - still in England but by the sea, that was the only compromise we could find."

Having no one to talk to about his turmoil. Sam? Oh, bad idea. His friends? They don't get it. Martyn? Yes, he even tried to consult his brother but he wasn't a great help, either. And -  
Dan. Because normally, he'd talk to him about his worries. But well, it's the nature of the beast he couldn't talk to him about that. Not unless he had a breakdown.

Feeling like he's cheating on Sam. He feels so bad, he feels so guilty, he doesn't know what's right or wrong, he doesn't know if he actually did cheat on Sam but damn, it feels like it. And in this case, he should have stopped it long ago. But - when? The thing between him and Dan, whatever it is, started for him the day he talked to Dan for the first time. Should he have broken up with Sam that exact day? But you can't break up with your boyfriend just because some guy helped you find your way.  
But when's the right moment then? Is it too late now? Phil doesn't know, he just doesn't know and it pushes him over the edge.

It's overwhelming. Yes, Phil talking without taking breath is overwhelming per se, but -  
There's so much to process. So many little things. The fact he talks about 'the thing between them' - the fact that there's 'a thing between them' for him, too. Thoughts about breaking up. Doubting his relationship. Casually mentioning that they'd be head over heels in a relationship if he wasn't in a relationship.  
And - it's not just what Phil says. Additionally, there are other realizations creeping up to him.

He risked their friendship. He fucking risked their friendship. What if Phil didn't want to kiss him? What if Phil didn't want to be accused of breaking his heart?  
What if this damn turmoil breaks their friendship? They didn't keep all those little things this quiet for so long for nothing, after all. You just can't be in love with your roommate who's in a relationship, you just can't be in love with your roommate when you're in a relationship.  
And the way he reacted proves that he's right to fear for their relationship. Because he wouldn't have gotten this angry, he wouldn't have screamed at Phil, he wouldn't have blamed him for breaking his heart if he was just another friend, if he could risk their friendship without worries.

Thus, that's the first thing on his mind as Phil becomes quiet, as Phil can't find any words anymore. Dan gets up, too. He considers walking over to Phil, to just hug him because he feels like he needs to react somehow to what he just said, but it feels so inappropriate so instead he walks over to the window and takes a look outside.  
(There's an old lady at one window across the road. She's watering her flowers and for a moment, Dan just watches her do so.)

No, he needs to - he needs to ask, he needs to make sure he didn't lose Phil. Because - damn, having Phil in a way that allowed them to kiss for a short time and then losing him really hurt. But losing their friendship, losing a part of his life, would hurt even more.

"Are we still friends, though?"

Silence. Dan doesn't even dare to look over to Phil. Then -  
A chuckle. Not in a way that makes Dan feel like Phil makes fun of him, it's rather... Fond. Relieved. A bit of both.

"Please. I don't want to lose our friendship, no matter what."

And then -  
Then it's alright to get closer again. Suddenly, Phil's right in front of him and Dan just needs to put his arms around him because he needs to feel him, needs to pull him close, needs to - never let go of him, right now in a literal sense, too.  
Stroking each other's backs, murmuring words of comfort, not quite sure who's comforting who...

It's okay. They just can't stop being friends. And -  
Yes, it's super awkward, yes, it's super strange that they - that they basically just realized they're actually  
(actually in love.)  
But - is it that strange? It's been there all the time, even if they didn't talk about it until today.

It doesn't feel like a big change. It doesn't feel like their friendship got turned upside down.

Well, that leaves... The other part. The elephant in the room. And even though it hurts, even though Dan would love to say something different, he now knows what to say.

"You're right. I'm not the right person to tell you what to do. You need to figure it out on your own."

Phil's nod. No remorse, just - understanding. And a bit of hope, maybe?

"Will you give me the time?"

Maybe he should feel bad, maybe it's insane, maybe he should tell Phil to just get his act together. But -  
When he's not busy blaming Phil for breaking his heart, he understands him, he gets why he's stuck at this point.  
(And damn, it hurts, too. Because he never considered Phil may suffer from this situation, too.)

There's no way to deny him. He just can't. Yes, he'll wait, yes, he'll let Phil make his own decisions, whatever they may look like.  
Things are settled. They can go back to their state of denial. Just friends, the rest can stay hidden, the rest must stay hidden.

And then, Phil mouths 'I love you'.

The old lady is still watering her big, pink flowers.

~*~*~


	15. The Cherry Blossom

**The Cherry Blossom**   
_love, renewal, endurance, living in the present_

Going to Japan? Fantastic.  
Going to Japan with the person you're in love with? Even more fantastic.  
Going to Japan with the person you're in love with because his boyfriend invited him? Well, not that fantastic.

Especially after their silent confessions. You just can't accompany the guy you love, especially when he's going to Japan because his boyfriend has a competition there.  
Luckily, that night didn't change their friendship that much. Probably because they both already knew - it already has been a part of their relationship before, in a way. (Most of the time, Dan tries to block out what happened that night, what Phil told him that night, anyway. It's really really good to know Phil loves him but at the same time, it hurts because - he loves Phil, Phil loves him and yet, they can't be together. He feels so helpless - there's nothing left to achieve, nothing left he can try to make it work because everything already fits but at the same time, it doesn't.)  
It changes a lot, though, when it comes to accepting an offer like that. And that's why Dan can't just agree on the trip even though he really would love to go to Japan, even though he really would love to go to Japan with Phil. No, instead he needs to let Phil know that's not what Sam planned. He wanted to go with Phil, he doesn't need the sidekick.

"I know. But I won't go without you. It would feel wrong to go to Japan without you. Anyways - what am I supposed to do there on my own? He'll be on a surfboard most of the time anyway. I'll talk to him, okay?"

Phil keeps his word. Apparently, they actually talked about it, apparently, it was more than just Phil asking if he could invite Dan, too, apparently, he really valued Sam's opinion.  
And Sam is chill with it.

Is he, though? At first sight, it seems really convincing because Sam is just a chill guy - maybe he doesn't overthink stuff the way Dan does. But then, Dan remembers all those little moments that proved that Sam actually isn't that chill about his relationship with Phil.  
The way his face dropped when Phil told him he didn't watch him surf because he was busy watching the sunset with Dan.  
The way his voice dropped when he let Dan know Phil canceled their Valentine's Day plans.  
The way he looks when he's visiting Phil in London and they're hanging out together and Dan and Phil start talking about something he can't relate to, he doesn't know anything about - he feels so left out and even though he always tries to hide it, you can tell from his face that he really doesn't like being left out in the company of his boyfriend.

He isn't selfless enough to let go of this chance, though. Dan wanted to go to Japan for such a long time - both him and Phil, it is - and Sam got some special deals, making the trip more affordable. If Sam says it's okay... Dan won't be the one to bother him with the questions if he's actually okay with it until he finally manages to speak his mind. Phil asked him, Phil let him express his opinion and if he doesn't, well, bad for him.

So, Japan it is. Japan with Phil.

"You just asked me to come with you because you'd get bored just watching surfing all day."  
"Yeah, sure - you think I'd go to Japan just to see Sam in a wetsuit? I could get that here in England, too."

('Sam'. Not 'my boyfriend' anymore. So many miniscule changes since that night. And yet, Dan just doesn't know if Phil is progressing. If there are actually some changes for Phil. If he's slowly backing away from Sam, from their relationship.)

"I would have felt so bad if I went to Japan without you - I couldn't have done it. We always talked about Japan and just the thought of being there without you, seeing all the stuff without being able to share it with you... I'd hate to just tell you about it."

(Yes, he may actually provoke statements like that. Because Japan is such a sensible topic, because Japan shows the crack between Phil and Sam.)

"Sam wouldn't understand. He's totally looking forward to go to Japan, too, but for him, it's all about the competition - maybe a bit about trying out new surf spots, but that's it. But that's not what tempting me about Japan and you know that. You understand."

Of course, they do visit Sam's competition, of course, they hang out with the surfer crew afterwards. It's quite nice to be around them - just like back in Cornwall, when Dan got to know them first. Even now that they're not working together anymore, Sam and his friends make this evening a pleasant one, bringing the west to Japan by cracking open some beers at the beach...

The rest of the time, Dan and Phil are taking trips to different sights, though. And - Phil was right, it would have felt wrong to go without each other. Japan is amazing, Japan is so many of his interests in one place and he feels like a little child in a candy store, heading from one highlight to the next, always with Phil on his side, with Phil, whose eyes shine just as much as his own probably do, with Phil who enjoys seeing all these things just as much as he does, with Phil who's looking up the address of the big Pokemon store because they just need to go there, with Phil who jumps with excitement as Dan proposes they could visit the Studio Ghibli Museum, with Phil who's - just like him - equally interested in the more traditional sights as well as in the nerd spots.  
(He can't regret joining the crew to Japan against Sam's will. He just can't.)

Japan is so special. And it becomes even more special because he gets to experience it with Phil. Thus, when they visit a temple, he can't think of anything else to write on his ema, the little wooden plaque that's supposed to fulfill his wish, that he really, really wants to share more moments like that with Phil.  
(In a relationship. Because again, it feels like they're a couple already - but the final piece is missing and even though Dan enjoys himself so much, it still hurts.)

But no matter what will happen, no matter how long it will take Phil to finally make a decision, no matter how Phil will decide - nobody can take away the memory away from him, the happiness, the sensation of wonder he felt with basically every step.  
The view of walking with Phil through the falling cherry blossoms is etched on his memory.

~*~*~


	16. The Lily

**The Lily**   
_funeral, farewell, parting_

Something is wrong.

Dan can tell right away as Phil enters the living room. He's pale, yes, even paler than usual, he's trembling, there are streaks of tears on his face and it takes just one look to tell he's holding back more tears. But whatever Dan imagined to be the reason - it's worse.

"My dad has cancer."

It pulls the rug out from under Phil's feet. There's no way to keep up their plans for the evening after this fateful phone call - Dan makes him sit down on the couch, pulls him into an embrace and orders some pizza online. And Phil -  
He's so devastated. One side of him just can't believe what happened, what his mom told him, the other side...

And Dan can relate. Of course, it isn't his dad, it isn't a part of his family, but -  
Well, in a way, it actually is. Because Phil feels like family (like some inexplicable form of family, but there's no need to go into that right now) so Phil's family is his family, somehow.  
He knows Nigel. Once, when Phil went up north to visit his family and Sam didn't accompany him, he asked Dan to join him and well, he was quite persuasive. Told him his parents moved to the Isle of Man and that this is a place you must have seen at least once, so Dan went with him even though it felt awkward at first. (The Lester family made him forget about this awkwardness soon. They made him feel like he was a part of their family.) The next times Phil asked him if he was up for another trip to the island, there was no need to hesitate anymore. And of course he met Phil's mom and dad when they traveled to London and dropped by to visit their son.  
Realizing that this good-humored, gentle man has a terminal illness... That's hard.

The hardest thing is to see Phil suffering, though. There's nothing he can tell him, there's nothing he can do to comfort him. Yes, he can distract him, sure, but it doesn't make the pain go away. He can only be on Phil's side, hoping that his presence stops the pain from growing.  
Thus, there's no way he could refuse when Phil asks him to join him on another trip to his parents. It comes quite handy that he recently followed Phil's example by quitting his job at the BBC to focus on YouTube but even if he had to stick to a rota, he would have tried everything to make it work. Just the thought of Phil all on his own on the train to the North, just him and his thoughts and worries and -  
No, he can't let this happen. He'd rather go with him and play I Spy with him for however long the train ride would take.

So they pack their bags and leave for the North. And damn, seeing the rest of the Lester family is just as bad as seeing Phil's pain. All the people that used to be so bubbly, so happy on his previous visits, just a shadow of their former selves... Nobody is in the mood to laugh, to crack a joke and yes, it's completely understandable but it's yet another proof of the seriousness of this situation.  
Actually, Nigel is the most relaxed. He actually makes jokes, he actually laughs. But that's just gallow's humour, probably.

Now that they joined Phil's family, there's not much left to do for Dan anymore. He visits Nigel two or three times, he spends time with the family, but most of the time, they go to see Nigel on their own, most of the time, it's apparent they need some time on their own, just the family, just the core of the family, no appendages needed.  
(Dan doesn't resent them for leaving him out. It's completely reasonable and after all, he doesn't want to interfere. Still, he feels a bit lonely and he doesn't know what to do with himself.)

He isn't all that alone, though. There's Sam.

Yes, Sam. He just happens to be in the North, too - he was staying at home for a bit, meeting up with old friends, spending some time with his family, when the news about Phil's dad came up. So when Dan and Phil went to the Isle of Man, he took the ferry, too, in order to support his boyfriend in these difficult times.  
Dan isn't all that alone. Sam is in the same situation as him - wanting to help, but not being able to, thus hanging around, waiting for a moment when he's actually needed.  
And he isn't all that alone because Sam decides they could be alone together. It starts with some harmless appointments - they meet up for breakfast, they do the grocery shopping for Phil's mum, Sam rings him up for help to get his surfboard safely out of his car and into some shed at the beach. (The latter is clear proof for those appointments being an excuse for them to meet up. He could have easily done it on his own but he decided that at least one of them would need the company.)

And then, there's the walk on the beach.

First, it looks like yet another pretense appointment. Just meeting up to kill time together...  
Well, that's until Sam drops the bombshell.

"You love him, don't you?"

Radio silence in his head. All his blood rushing into his cheeks. The sudden pang of guilt, of being caught.

There's no need for Sam to clarify who he's talking about. There's no need for Dan to answer.  
Sam already knows. And they both know he already knows.

A few steps in silence. Sam is nodding, focusing on the flower he's twirling between his fingers - it almost seems like he's in a conversation with the big white petals.  
When the thoughts rush back into Dan's brain, he just can't keep the silence any longer, though. He needs to say something. Right now. At once.

Because - yes, it's the truth. Yes, maybe it's good the truth is finally out. But -  
It's good for him. Because it feels super awkward, because you can't just let someone know you fancy their partner. But apart from that - there's nothing left. Nothing left to feel embarrassed by, to feel bad about.  
There's someone in a different position, though - Phil. And even though his truth is similar, according to that one night they just couldn't keep the distance anymore, his consequences are completely different. After all, it's about his boyfriend, about his relationship.  
Thus, he can't just lead Phil into disaster, together with himself. No, he needs to clarify that Phil actually is in a different position.

"He never cheated on you."

Again - no need to clarify who he's talking about, no need for Sam to explain he already knows. This time, he does it anyway.

"I know. Well, I guessed so. But..."

And then -  
For the first few sentences of this fateful conversation, it felt like Sam was quite composed. Rather factual, just checking off some boxes, just making sure his suspicions are true, nothing special. Dan can't tell what changes, what makes Sam composure break away, what makes the mood shift, but -  
Suddenly, Sam is all emotional. Suddenly, Dan can see his desperation, his helplessness, his frustration. Suddenly, Sam talks - and he's so agitated, he wants to tell everything, wants to express everything because, damn, he has been silent for way too long, he has been the considerate sunny boy who puts aside his feelings in order to not make his boyfriend uncomfortable for way too long.

"I felt so paranoid, damn."

He realized pretty soon that Dan and Phil's relationship was something special, that Dan and Phil were more than just some guys who randomly decided to get an apartment together, that Dan and Phil were more than friends. But - he told himself he couldn't think of his boyfriend this way. He told himself he couldn't suspect his boyfriend about cheating on him. ("Well, looks like I'm right about that. But still...") So he decided to put aside his suspicions, trying to avoid becoming the grumpy boyfriend who doesn't want his partner to become friends with other people, just in case he could cheat on him. Instead, he tried to accept Dan.

"It wasn't difficult because it's difficult to accept you. It's just... Didn't matter how much I told myself to chill, I couldn't ignore seeing the sparks between you and Phil. And it's really difficult to accept the guy who has this special relationship to your boyfriend."

He was quite happy about the fact that Phil found a friend in London that fast, though - so that's what he focused on. And even though it was difficult to put aside his doubts, Dan made it easy for him to get along with him. After all, they did become friends - or at least acquaintances.  
Still, he wondered if he just made the biggest mistake of his life when Phil asked him if he was okay with him moving in with Dan and he said "yes, yes, it's alright, just move in with the guy you have been texting 24/7 since you got to know him, just move in with the guy you talk about like you're in love with him.". (Well, that's not exactly how he worded it. But this is what it felt like.)

Sam always tries to work on their relationship, always tries to improve their relationship. He supports Phil, he tries to be there for him, he -  
But it feels like it isn't enough anymore. It feels like - well, support isn't the same as appreciation and that's the point where their ways starting disentangling. Having different interests, making different decisions - living different lives.

"I feel like it just doesn't fit anymore. And - well, it's not your fault, you are not to blame but... You're one of the reasons why we're drifting apart. I can't tell how our relationship would be right now if Phil hadn't met you and I guess we'd still have some issues, but - it would be different."

Sam's almost becoming factual again when he's talking about what drives him and Phil apart. But then, the desperation is back on his face, back in his voice - back in his words.

"Do you know how bad it feels? When you're on your way to meet your boyfriend and you're kinda looking forward to it but at the same time, there's this big question. If it finally happened. If he finally snapped. If you finally managed to take the last step. And I looked at him and I wasn't happy because I could finally kiss my boyfriend again - I looked at him and tried to see if anything changed. If we still clung on to our relationship. Man, sometimes I felt so pathetic about it."

And then -  
Sam doesn't suddenly turn all dismissive, Sam doesn't show him his resentment full on. He's just not the type for that, he's simply too friendly.  
But this is the closest they get to this point.

"We didn't even have sex for quite some time now. But you probably know about that, too."

It feels like a hit in the stomach - a well deserved one. Because even if Sam tries not to put the blame on him, even if Sam made sure to let him know he does see the main fault on Phil's and his side, Dan just isn't innocent. His role in their relationship is bigger than it should be.  
(Luckily, Phil never talked a lot about his sex life with Sam. But Dan can't tell if that's a good sign.)  
And this time, it's really difficult to respond with something appropriate, to answer without defending himself, without trying to downplay his role.

"He can be rather private about some stuff..."  
"Yeah. I know."

And the despair in Sam's voice makes Dan feel even worse.

First, it seems like this is the end of their talk - it seems like Sam got everything off his chest. He was able to vent, but at the same time, he proved to Dan that he's watching, that he's not oblivious to what's happening between him and Phil. Seems to be sufficient for today.  
Made Dan feel bad enough. He never wanted to break up a relationship - well, if you asked him if he'd fight for Phil, no matter what, he'd say yes but seeing Sam so hurt makes him feel really bad. And then, there's - the age gap. Listening to Sam outlining his relationship issues made him feel so young, so childish, so immature. After all, he's not just a few years younger than Sam and Phil - he's also single, just busy coping with his feelings for his roommate. On the other hand, there are Sam and Phil with their long term relationship, with adult issues, with -  
Maybe he barked up the wrong tree after all. Maybe Phil is better off with someone on his level.

But then, it doesn't matter anymore, none of it matters anymore. Because -

"I'm going to break up with Phil."

It's -  
It's so weird. To be honest, this is what Dan wanted to hear, this is what he had been waiting for since he found out that Phil is in a relationship. But at the same time, he can't just be happy about it, he can't enjoy this prospect.  
But also - he can't pretend it breaks him. So it leaves him confused, mainly.

Phil won't do it anyway, Sam lets him know and damn, you can tell from his voice that it isn't an easy choice, that he doesn't take it lighthearted. But there's so much exasperation in his voice, in his face - it may not be a pleasant step, but a necessary one. After all...  
It's over. It's over even without a breakup. It just doesn't make sense anymore. And someone has to do it, someone has to take the final step to make it official.

Phil won't do it anyway, Sam lets him know - he's too much of a coward and that's one of the most hostile things he says that day about Phil. (If Dan were in his shoes, talking about breaking up with his boyfriend because he's in love with another guy... Oh boy, calling Phil a coward would have been the most harmless thing he said about him.)  
There's still some objectiveness left in Sam, though. Just a short outburst, then he proceeds to analyze the situation factually. He admits it's really difficult for Phil because they weren't in a relationship for nothing, because Phil fought for their relationship, too, tried to make it work - still tries to make it work. It's hard for him to accept that their relationship probably can't be saved anymore.  
Especially if one of the reasons is another guy.

"So I'm the one who needs to take care of it."  
"Wow. That's really selfless."

Dan actually means it. Again - if he were in Sam's shoes, he wouldn't be that considerate, he wouldn't take into account what's the best for his partner. If it came down to a break-up, he'd probably get quite nasty.  
Still, Sam laughs - a joyless, bitter laugh.

"Selfless? I wish. I wish I could say I'm not doing it for me, but for Phil. Okay, I do want him to be happy and I'd be totally ready to let go of our relationship if it was necessary, but... Our relationship doesn't make him unhappy. So I'm not doing it in order to save him, but because it doesn't make sense anymore. And that's not even the main reason - this would still be kinda thoughtful. No, I decided to break up with Phil because I just can't bear it anymore. When I think about my boyfriend, when I'm wondering what he's doing right now, I want to imagine him missing me just as much as I miss him. Instead, I wonder if the penny finally dropped. If Phil was finally able to let go, to take one step forward. If you were kissing right now. Because I knew it could take just a tiny little thing, just a tiny little straw to finally break the camel's back. Maybe he needs to get drunk, maybe he needs to be in the right mood, maybe he needs to listen to a special song - and you're around each other all the time, you would be there in that special moment, you would be there if Phil finally managed to take the plunge. And I just can't stand it anymore. Asking myself every time before I speak to him if it finally happened, if I lost him now. But when I need to ask myself so often if I lost him... I lost him long ago. And I just can't bear it."

He lost him. And at the same time...  
Dan looks back on his time together with Phil. Of course, they have a lot of fun together, of course it's awesome that they share their interests. But it's more than that. It's also about the more serious moments they already shared. Starting with the apartment hunt, leading to sharing their worries, talking about their troubles, taking decisions together...  
This is part of what Sam lost.

(Maybe the age gap doesn't matter after all. Maybe there's a more important gap but it's between Phil and Sam, not between Phil and Dan.)

Just as they approach the stairs leading to the parking lot where Sam parked his car, Sam becomes all factual again.

"I can't do it now, though. Phil is busy worrying about Nigel, it would be unfair to add a breakup. But... Soon."

He doesn't wish Dan good luck, he doesn't let him know he hopes their breakup will result in a relationship between Dan and Phil, he doesn't tell him it's okay if Dan tries to win Phil's heart after their relationship is over.  
Sam just throws away the wilting white flower and gets into the car, not saying a word until he drops Dan off at the Lester residence.

And that's okay.

~*~*~


	17. The Violet

**The Violet**   
_faithfulness, hope, thoughts of you, knots of love, let's take a chance on happiness_

Dan mentally prepares for the day Sam will break up with Phil. But this day never comes.

Nigel's therapy finally works. The doctors tell them they can see some progress, the doctors let them know there's hope. The family doesn't quite believe it yet, they don't dare to trust that prognosis yet, but it's really relieving - Dan feels Phil is finally able to relax a bit.  
And that's when Nigel sends his sons home. He tells them he can't stand their sad faces anymore - he wants them to go on with their lives. They don't need to pause their lives for him, it doesn't help him, after all. "You can make better use of your time than hanging around here, just to visit me every day.", he says.

It takes Nigel some time to convince Phil but finally, after he gave his dad the passwords to every streaming service he uses, Phil's finally ready to leave and they book train tickets to London for the next day. ("We'll be back soon, though", Phil lets Nigel know and even though he rolls his eyes at his son, Dan can tell that he's quite happy with that solution - that he actually enjoyed seeing his sons that often but he prefers them in a better mood, prefers not having to feel guilty because he keeps them from living their lives.)

The last dinner together is a bit strange. It starts off like all the meals before - they just come together to grab something to eat, pure convenience, nothing else. Some small talk, some discussions about their plans - today, they talk about their departures. But you can tell everyone has Nigel in the back of their head, Nigel's hint about their sad faces. And slowly, the clouds part, slowly, they let go, slowly, it occurs to them that yes, it's totally valid to be worried but that there's no need to let the worry overcome you.  
It feels like they're getting drunk. (Drunk on optimism, somehow.) Their chats become less purposeful, Phil starts telling stories, Martyn chimes in, Kathryn laughs and damn, it feels so good to see the smiles return to their faces.

After dinner, Phil leaves the house to meet up with Sam while Dan stays with Martyn and his girlfriend Cornelia. She's such an awesome person - super funny, super cool. Sadly, she just arrived a few days ago - she would have been a less problematic companion than Sam.  
But at least he got to know about Sam's breakup plans that way.  
Is that a good thing, though? Even though Martyn and Cornelia manage to distract him most of the time, he can't help but wonder if Sam is telling Phil right now it's over.

No, he won't. It's probably too early. The only reason they're meeting is because Sam will return to his family, Phil will return to London and they won't meet for a while. Saying goodbye, sharing some intimate moments - after all, they weren't really able to do so since Phil went up North, Phil wasn't exactly in the mood for it.

"No need to wonder", Dan tells himself. "He'll be back soon and you'll notice if Sam dropped the bomb. You'll notice that Sam didn't drop the bomb."

But it isn't that easy.  
Martyn is the first one to leave the group. As he tends to get travelsick and thus is a bit worried about his trip back home, he decides to go to bed early. So Cornelia and Dan move to the kitchen to keep up their conversation without disturbing Martyn - Cornelia tells him about her career as a singer and Dan really likes listening to her, he really appreciates the distraction.  
Phil isn't back yet.  
A bit later, Kath drops by to ask them if they need anything because she's going to bed, too.  
Phil isn't back yet.  
Then, Cornelia's yawns become more frequent and she loses her train of thought every now and then. Finally, Dan can't stand watching her struggle to keep awake so he lets her know it's okay, she can join Martyn, too, it's no problem.  
Phil isn't back yet.  
Dan goes to bed, too, but he doesn't try to fall asleep yet. (He can tell it wouldn't work because his thoughts are too loud.) Instead, he plays a game on his phone until not even his thoughts, all the questions in his head, all this wondering, manage to keep him awake anymore. So he rolls over, pulls the blanket around him, and closes his eyes.  
Phil isn't back yet.

It's pitch black when Dan wakes up. Everything is silent, the usual noises from the house are missing. Everyone is still asleep.  
Everyone but him.  
And Phil.

Phil is back. He's right behind him, hugging him, snuggling up against his back.

Dan's heart starts to race. This is the moment he's been waiting for.  
(The anticlimatic moment when Phil tells him about chatting with Sam and forgetting the time, awkwardly avoiding the 'and then, we made out' part.)

Or - is it?  
Actually - no. Of course, his first instinct is to turn around, to ask him what's up - after all, it's not that normal that Phil comes to his bed, to the guest bed, in the middle of the night in order to cuddle a bit. But by now, he knows the signs. If Phil wanted to talk, he'd try to wake him up - gently, discreetly, making it look like it was an accident Dan woke up so he didn't need to feel guilty - but now, it seems like he just wants to cuddle. Dan can't even tell how long he's already been there - this time, Phil is almost imperceptible and that's a sure sign there's no need to talk right now.  
Well, that's okay with him, too. Now that Phil's here, with him, the thoughts don't become that loud anymore, the question if Sam did break up with him isn't that important anymore. Now, it's way easier to accept the logical explanation that it would be too early, that Sam still would wait a bit.

Phil's mom doesn't look that surprised when Phil comes out of Dan's bedroom the next morning. But maybe that's due to her trying to get everyone out of bed early - maybe Phil distracts her by complaining about the fact they could have stayed in bed for a few more hours. No, she's absolutely not okay with him returning to bed, no, Martyn, you neither, get down and help me make breakfast.  
Just a bit later, after a rushed breakfast, they all leave the house and head over to the cliffs. Kath, Roz - Phil's auntie, Martyn, Cornelia, Dan and Phil. And after a while, after feeling the fresh breeze on their faces, after the first view over the cliffs, even the brothers stop complaining. To be quite honest, a final walk along the cliffs is a quite appropriate way to say farewell - to the family, but also to the island.

For the first part of their walk, they all stay pretty close to each other so they can talk. But slowly, the group dissolves. Martyn and Cornelia are a bit faster than the rest of them, so soon, they're a bit ahead of the rest. Dan and Phil stay with Kath and Roz for a bit, then they start falling behind. Trailing around, taking photos of each other, Dan picking a violet and trying to put it into Phil's hair - it won't stay there, it always slides down a bit but even though it was meant to be a joke, it looks really good on him, it really suits him, the little lilac flower against the dark background of Phil's hair is quite an eye-catcher.  
They're so relaxed, so much at ease. Even though it feels like everything is a mess right now, even though they're not where they are supposed to be right now and that's at home, not on the other end of the country, they are relaxed. And it still is so uplifting to see Phil that happy, to see that Phil finally managed to back away from his worries, at least a bit.

Then, Phil stops. The rest of the crew is moving along, getting smaller and smaller until they disappear behind a corner. Then -

"I broke up with Sam last night."

Silence. Just the sound of the waves crashing against the shore down the cliffs, the sound of birds shrieking while passing over them, the sound of the breeze rattling the grass, the bushes, their hair and their clothes.  
And Dan feels like he got hit by a rock.

He's been waiting for it. He's been hoping for it since he found out Phil had a boyfriend, he's been waiting for it when Phil told him about his relationship issues, when Phil told him he's in love with him.  
But - it didn't happen. Instead, Sam came along, telling him he'd do it as it became obvious even to him that Phil didn't have the guts. So - yes, he was actually expecting a breakup. Just - not now.  
And especially not by Phil.

Dan finds back into his role as best friend quickly, though. Asking Phil how he feels, how he feels about the breakup, pushing aside the question what it means for him, what the breakup changes for him...  
This time, Phil is willing to talk - and he admits that he wasn't yesterday night when he crawled into Dan's bed. And damn, it sounds so familiar. It's just what Phil already told him after they kissed, it's just what Sam told him a few days ago. The breakup was long overdue, probably, they just couldn't get along anymore, they just didn't match anymore.

"Meeting him up here was the final proof, somehow. Because he didn't feel like support, he almost felt like a burden. It didn't calm me down to have him here, it made me feel like I had to put on another face for him. And that's not what a relationship should be like."

Phil's voice wavers as he admits it may sound easy but it wasn't easy at all. In fact, the talk, the breakup per se didn't take that long - most of the time he was away, he spent sitting on a bench, crying, feeling so, so bad.

"But it was the right decision. Even though it felt terrible, even though I felt so sorry, even though there was a reason why I put it off for so long. And I'm glad I finally did it."

Realizing Sam couldn't support him anymore, couldn't be there for him the way he needed him to be anymore, wasn't the only reason for the breakup though, Phil tells him after they hugged, after Dan simply couldn't hold back anymore, after Dan had to prove him he's there for him when he struggles with the breakup. (First, he wondered if it was the right thing to do - if he was too intrusive. But - no. Yesterday night, Phil actually needed some time on his own, yesterday night, he needed to make up with the fact that he just left Sam, all on his own. But when he crawled into Dan's bed, he signaled that he was done with alone time.)  
It wasn't the only reason. There was another thing, too - maybe connected to the situation with his dad? Phil isn't quite sure. Somehow, it showed him he doesn't have to endure things, he can take matters into his own hands and improve his situation. It doesn't have to be a bad situation before - and this realization actually changed a lot for him.

Enough said. Phil looks tired, Phil looks exhausted, but at the same time – he's happy. He made the right decision.  
No, not 'enough said'. There's one reason left. There's -

“And I really want to be with you, Dan.”

This time, Phil doesn't back away. This time, Phil doesn't raise objections. This time, there's no reason to break off their kiss.  
This time, they don't let go.

Dan's fingers brush the little flower as he strokes Phil's hair.

~*~*~


	18. The Ivy

**The Ivy**   
_affection, friendship, wedded love_

They return to London, to their home. And -  
Nothing changed. They go on with their lives like before.

Working on videos together. Sometimes, they film together, sometimes, they assist each other with videos for their separate channels. Phil helping him edit videos, Dan going over scripts with Phil.

Meeting up with mutual friends. Some of them are people they met together, some are friends one of them had before. Doesn't matter - by now, they have almost the same circle of friends. Also, there are Martyn and Cornelia and to be honest, Phil isn't the only one who gets really excited when Martyn announces they'll move to London together.

Playing Rock, Paper, Scissors for the tiniest decisions - to split up the household chores. The winner sometimes joining the loser because he feels bad. Trying out some duets while cleaning the bathroom together. The acoustics are really nice. Their voices... Not that much.

Getting excited for their movie nights. Dan buying too many sweets in preparation for those nights. Phil eating the majority of the sweets before the first film actually started.

And at the same time, everything is different. Everything changed.

There's no Sam anymore. Well, Phil does call him a few times after their separation - after all, they weren't really angry at each other when they broke up, there are no hard feelings. But the calls slowly subside. It's just like Phil said - in the end it was their relationship that kept them together.  
No Sam. No intruder anymore. Just the two of them. And in the beginning, it still feels unreal sometimes because Dan expects Sam to show up again, to take his place at Phil's side - like he did so many times before. But the time passes and Sam doesn't show up anymore and - he's the man on Phil's side now. All the time. No matter what.

Cuddling with Phil. Yes, that's nothing new per se, but - it's different now. Because there's no reason to feel bad, no reason to hold back. He can just enjoy being with Phil and wow, he never realized how much it wore him down to keep Sam in the back of his mind, to feel Phil's arms around him while he knew they shouldn't go too far. He never realized. Not until now. Because now, he feels freed, he feels relieved.

Kissing Phil. Whenever he feels like it, he can just walk over and kiss him. And it's not just that. Sometimes, he's on his computer, cutting a video, when Phil appears behind him, pulling his chair back so he can sit on his lap and kiss him. (It's not exactly comfortable, they're both a tad too tall to share a chair. But in these moments, they don't care about the chair, they don't care about being comfortable.)

Sex with Phil. Oh boy, he missed out. But so did Phil. Damn, he doesn't know how they managed to live together for so long without banging even once - after the first time they had sex, they just can't keep their fingers off each other.

Phil's moans. Phil's hand slipping under his shirt while they're watching a movie. Hasty kisses. Skin on skin. All those little sounds.  
Cuddles turning into sex. Cuddles leading to falling asleep on the couch. Cuddles while they're both on their laptops, answering emails.

Phil's looks. Turning around just to see Phil looking at him, lost in thoughts, with this smile on his face that tells that he really, really likes him.

Phil saying 'I love you' - Phil finally saying 'I love you' aloud, Phil finally saying 'I love you' without feeling guilty. Saying 'I love you' back. Not being afraid anymore of admitting he's in love with him.

Traveling up to the North again - this time, he's not just the best friend supporting Phil, he's the best friend and boyfriend. (They're still best friends and Dan is so glad about it. There's nobody who could keep up with Phil.) Nigel is getting better and it doesn't take long until he gets released from the hospital. He got some pills subscribed and they work quite well together with his body. Going for a walk with both Nigel and Kath feels so awesome - just watching the two walk ahead of them, happy to be together... (And then, Dan and Phil stop because they reached the spot where they kissed. Where they put a seal on their relationship. Where things began. Where they took another step. Where they grew even closer.)

Looking for a new apartment. They do find one, but they both know it won't be the last time they moved together - they're still looking for a forever home. "And when we find it, we will get a dog.". Watching the pigeons on their terrace instead.

Going on vacation together. Hanging out on a beach, sunbathing, enjoying the view – enjoying looking at Phil enjoying the views.  
No more regrets. No more need to hold back.

Working on their YouTube careers. It turns out that it actually was a good decision to leave behind the BBC, to do something on their own. (The right decision? Depends. Of course, it's awesome, of course, it's just what they wanted – the freedom to create. But with the freedom come restrictions.) Their channels grow and grow and soon, they don't just focus on videos anymore. One step after another – one giant step after another. Writing books. Going on tour. Founding their own company, together with Martyn. It's a lot of work, they do make some mistakes, but they feel like they learn from them, they feel like they improve all the time.

Coming out to his family. Dan never let them know he was into guys – he thought he could do it when he had a boyfriend but even with Phil on his side, it took him years to muster up the courage. Well, then there's the day when he's finally ready to tell the world he's gay – and he does it all at once. He tells his family (via email because yes, he still doesn't take just walking up to them, telling them – seeing the disappointed faces?), he publishes a video to let his fans know, too...  
It doesn't change a lot about his relationship with Phil, though. Well, apart from the fact that his family knows Phil is his boyfriend the next time they're visiting together... The public doesn't know. At least, they didn't put it out there. It's kind of obvious by now, after his outing, after Dan's little hints in his coming out video, but they never officially declare they're a couple. It's supposed to be their thing, they want to keep it for themselves.

Being with Phil. Without restrictions. Just being able to love Phil. Phil loving him back.

Then, one day -  
They have this spot on their terrace, right in front of the part of the wall that's covered in ivy. A while ago, they put a little white table there, two white chairs and the bright furniture really compliments the luscious dark green ivy leaves. It's so nice to sit there, watching the sun go down, having a sip of wine... It's just what they do on that day.

And then, Phil kneels in front of him.  
And then, Phil asks him to marry him.  
And Dan says -

Well, he says "Are you fucking kidding me? Are you serious?”.  
He say “You can't just do that.".  
He says “I've been planning the perfect proposal for months now. I've been checking different locations, I've been outlining different scenarios. And now, you just – propose?”.  
He says “But I can't even be mad at you. Because this is perfect – because this is such a Phil thing. Because that's the Phil way to do it. And well, it's a bit faster than the Dan way.”.

But he also says Yes. And the ivy leaves rustle in approval.

~*~*~


	19. abundance

There's a gate.

There's a wooden gate, gnarled wood that looks like it wasn't shaped into a gate, gnarled wood that looks like it took the form of a gate by itself. It's unremarkable, it somehow blends in and it takes Dan a second look to even realize it's there but at the same time, it's a bit misplaced, penned in between the rural houses with their straight, white fences, with their straight white walls surrounding their gardens.

"Phil, look."

A narrow wooden gate and some stairs behind it, leading up the hill. Uneven steps, hewn in stone.  
This could be the end of this little discovery - yet another discovery, one of the many little things you discover when walking through a deserted city in the middle of the night. It probably should be the end of this little discovery - after all, it's been a long night.  
The bachelor's party. Hours spent worrying. Meeting up with Phil. Walking around aimlessly, talking about everything crossing their mind, talking about everything except the wedding.  
They should go back, probably - actually, they're already on their way back to the hotel, they're already looking for the way back to the hotel.

But still - even though Dan is tired, even though being with Phil helped him calm down, helped him calm down that much that he can actually imagine falling asleep soon when he returns to his bed, he's not quite in the mood for it yet. Somehow, something still keeps him up and about.

Thus, when Phil asks him if they should take a look behind the gate, Dan doesn't tell him, no, we should rather go to bed so we can catch a few hours of sleep. He doesn't even tell him, no, you know that trees in the darkness scare me. Instead, they start a discussion.  
Is it okay to enter? Or is it private property? Well, there would be a doorbell, a name sign, a letter box. Is it a public park? It would say so on the outside, too. What will happen if they aren't supposed to be there? Well, no one will notice in the middle of the night and as soon as they realize they mistake, they can still leave.  
("What a lovely way to spend the night before the wedding. Getting imprisoned because of breaking and entering.")

"So - we're going in?"  
"We're going in."

Phil taking his hand. Phil knowing without Dan telling him that the gate and everything awaiting them behind it is still quite terrifying, even though he's a bit curious by now. Phil saying 'I'm there for you, I'll take care of you' but luckily only relying on his hand to convey the message because saying it aloud would have meant Dan's fears were valid.  
The staircase is almost too narrow for two tall guys. Nevertheless, they make it work because damn, there's no way Dan is letting go of Phil's hand and luckily Phil is okay with it. So they take one careful step after another, Phil's arm pressed against his, Phil chattering, totally unperturbed, pointing out that the trees around them actually don't look that much Slenderman-y but rather like in a fairy tale, being just as gnarled as the gate, giving off a kind of cozy vibe. (And he's right, a bit. Well, it helps that they're not that dense, that it isn't that dark in here.)

Then they reach the top of the staircase, the top of the hill. And -

No more trees. Instead -  
Well, mainly shapes - dark shapes, some less dark, some more dark. Round shapes, ruffled shapes.

And still, it's overwhelming.

The arch right in front of them. Up close, you can see vines twining around the wood, the stone, whatever - the arch mainly consists of these plants. Behind, there are some big bushes, higher than Phil, even higher than Dan. A little pathway, gravel leading the way, directing Dan's gaze to the next plant. Some hedges, some flowers.  
It all looks so much in place and yet so random. The system of chaos, somehow.

Dan feels like he entered a different world. A world where he could finally leave his worries behind him because - who cares about tomorrow if you can be here instead? Just - being here, at this strange place, at this otherworldly place, at this strangely beautiful place.  
He fastens his grip on Phil's hand.

Phil. Phil's here, too, and - it's good, it's so good to have him at his side. To know Phil is experiencing the same thing as him, to turn his head sideways to see Phil marvel at the beauty in front of them, too...  
Dan faces the arc again, he reaches out to touch one of the buds, still closed, still asleep. It's a rose bud, he guesses.

(The Rose Bud  
I fear no longer)

His heart beats fast, so fast. No, it's got nothing to do with their ascent, with walking around town all night. He feels excited, he actually feels kind of thrilled, because -  
It's so easy. It's easier than he told himself. Because he's here, he's with Phil, everything is so peaceful and he loves Phil and -

"I'm scared of tomorrow."

It's so easy. Just a few words and - Phil knows, Phil finally knows.  
And - it's okay. it's more than okay. Because Phil squeezes his hand and he smiles at him and his smile looks so distressed but somehow, Dan can tell he isn't that distressed because he can't stand learning Dan doesn't actually look forward to their wedding. He -

"Me, too."

Relief. Pure relief. Because -  
The whole damn night. The whole damn night. He spent the whole damn night worrying and one of his biggest worries was telling Phil, was betraying Phil but damn, he never betrayed Phil because he isn't alone, he isn't the only one who's afraid.  
Blurting out what's on his mind. Because there's just no way to stop now, because it feels so good to get it off his chest, finally.

"It doesn't feel like us anymore. It feels like -"  
"- letting everyone in on our relationship."

Yes. Yes, damn it. They're on the same page, they've been for the whole night, probably, and now, they're here, at the entrance of some mystery garden, knowing, knowing, knowing that there's no need to be ashamed, there's no need to feel guilty, that it's okay to feel the way they feel because their worries are actually valid, because they share their worries.

Looking at Phil. And – it's overwhelming, it feels like everything got turned upside down. Still feeling the dread. Not feeling the guilt anymore. And – Phil. Phil trembling and finally, Dan can tell the rings under his eyes aren't just because he couldn't sleep, they are there because he just couldn't stop worrying neither.  
Still, they're smiling. Still, they're smiling at each other and Dan feels this warmth in his tummy, a strange calm that doesn't quite fit his anxiety but still, it's there, both at the same time.

“Let's go.”

Entering the garden, traversing the arch. Still holding hands. Now they don't do it anymore because Dan is scared – well, it isn't because he's scared of the trees but because he's scared of tomorrow and Phil is so, too.  
The garden seems like a little maze, with shrubbery and hedges everywhere, forming corners, forming borders. But at the same time, it's so open, so welcoming. And -   
The moon. Dan didn't notice the moon before this night, even when they were already outside, walking through the deserted city. Now he does because it's so big, it's so light, there's no need for a torchlight and yet, it's night time, it's kind of dark – it makes for the perfect hiding place, somehow, hiding from the world, hiding from their worries.  
Hiding from their worries? No. Not anymore. Because -

They talk. They finally talk.

"I realized it when I tried to write down the wedding vows. I had so much to say, I wanted to put so much in there for you, but... For you. Not for our family, not for our friends."

Leaves rustling. The gravel scrunching underneath their feet.

Wanting to kiss when they met up at the back entry of the hotel. Still somehow keeping their distance in public, even in the middle of the night, when the whole world seems to be asleep.  
It feels more normal than showing their love in front of their loved ones and that's so fucked up.

Dan feeling even more guilty at first. Phil - adorable Phil - still sleepy, with his glasses on because he couldn't be bothered putting in his contacts, in a large, cozy pullover, his hair a mess.  
How much of a fool would you have to be in order to have doubts about marrying him?  
Dan finally crying because he can finally tell his boyfriend, his fiance, how bad he felt when he saw Phil waiting for him. Phil hugging him, Phil pulling him closer, Phil letting him know it's okay.

"It was always just us. Even when you still were with Sam, even when we're around other people. We always had our own world, in a way. But now, we're letting other people in."

Realizing it wasn't about their marriage, realizing he only panicked because of the wedding. Because – even if his doubts told him so, he won't lose Phil, the wedding won't change anything between them. For a few hours, yes – for a few hours, their relationship won't be like it used to be. And even though Dan is able to breathe freely now, he doesn't dismiss his worries completely because – still, this is quite a lot. There 'few hours' are supposed to be special to them, in a good way.  
Yet – it will be over after a few hours. There's no way these few hours can stop them from being together like they used to. Being with Phil is so calming, so familiar and it won't change and Dan is slowly able to accept it.

Not just Dan. He can feel Phil becoming calmer, too, he can sense Phil relaxing, too, he can tell Phil slowly stops panicking.

Just a few awkward hours. Then they're on their own again. Like they're supposed to be.

"It feels like the wedding isn't for us anymore. It feels like we need to please everyone else instead of ourselves."

Just - talking about everything that kept him awake all night long, up until the point when Phil decided he was ready to bend some rules because the doubts kept him awake, too. And the world doesn't look that dark anymore when they're together, when they're sharing their thoughts and worries.

Dan can't tell how long they're talking. They're walking up and down, up and down, barely noticing the paths anymore, their surroundings, because it's just about them right now and it's so important and it's so soothing to let go of their fears, to finally share them, to make it through them together, to cry, to laugh even if it's a bit hysterically, even if there are some sobs mixed in, to feel relieved, to be strong for each other, to realize they're there for each other, no matter what, to realize how good it feels to be together, that there's a reason why they're getting married and this reason is stronger than anything that makes them worry about tomorrow.  
At some point, they sit down on a bench, still busy talking.  
At some point, they stop talking. Even though they still don't feel like returning to the hotel, it's okay now, it's -

Moments in silence. Just his arm around Phil, Phil head leaning against his shoulder, just listening to Phil breathing, just - being with Phil.  
And slowly, the world wakes up around them.

They're still on their own, there are no other people. But -  
There are blossoms, all of a sudden. Buds opening up, presenting their petals. Birds singing. Smoke on the pond. The darkness disappearing. The smell of the blossoms - sweet, almost overwhelming - a completely different smell than the crisp night air.  
The view is breathtaking and you can't help but feeling light and wondrous and now, the worries disappear for good – there's no space for worries anymore, there's no way to think about tomorrow, there's no way they could ignore what's happening around them right now.

Getting up. Phil taking his hand again. The urge to walk again, to discover the garden by light, the faint morning light that makes everything look new, untouched, reborn – the urge to see all these flowers, all these colours, all these – changes.

Some daisies right next to their bench. Finally, Dan tells Phil about his prophecy, about the little daisy that told him to walk up to Phil and talk to him the first time he saw him. Yes, he already let Phil in on the fact he spotted him way before they even talked for the first time, yes, Phil already knew about that day in the park but he didn't know about this little flower yet, about the tiny petals that gave Dan so much hope until he realized Phil was gone, until he thought Phil walked out of his life, just like that.

A patch of lavender, neatly planted. It's hard to tell what's more overwhelming - the dark lilac or the smell, the intense smell. Bees humming around them, already busy, already surrounding the flowers, already doing their work just as if they'd been there for the last few hours and it's so strange to see, so strange to hear the little buzzing sound because just a few moments ago, the world was quiet, the world was asleep and so were the bees.

Hyacinths lining the path. Phil bends down, picks one up - he shows it to Dan and yes, the blossoms do look like tiny little bells, yes, the blossoms could be tiny little wedding bells and Dan can tell how much better they're doing by now because this interpretation doesn't seem threatening, because this interpretation actually makes them smile, actually makes him giggle, makes him put his arm around Phil so he can kiss his temple.

A bush of luscious peonies, their heads so heavy they're sagging on the ground. Again - their smell is so lush, so sweet, so staggering, there's no need to get closer because the smell is so strong. And the colour - the vibrant pink, so saturated and it's such a remarkable contrast, seeing it against the grey-ish white of the smoke on the pond right behind the bush.

A cactus. Yes, there's actually a cactus, a 'big round boy' as Dan calls it and Phil giggles a bit before he steps closer to marvel at it. It almost reaches the height of their knees, it has long, thick thorns but going upwards, they become softer and softer until they form a soft patch right at the top - of course, Phil can't resist patting it, of course, he makes Dan pat it, too. And even though it doesn't quite fit in a garden full of flowers, it doesn't look misplaced, it looks like it just belongs there, nestled in the arms of the pathway.

Foxgloves, a bunch of foxgloves - Dan has never seen so many foxgloves in one place and they almost look threatening, like a little army with lanky, colourful soldiers. Well, at least Phil nods in approval as he lets him take part in this image.  
"I'll protect you if they attack. Don't worry."  
"Oh yeah, as if. You'd probably trip and fall over. Well, at least you'd crush them that way."  
"See? I'd protect you."

An ocean of forget-me-nots. Tiny little blue dots sprawled across a spot in between two plots. They both kneel down next to the flowers, somehow afraid to hurt these sensible little things but still wanting to get a closer look. Dan can't even tell why - there are a lot of forget-me-nots in London, it's not like they see them for the first time. Still, they look so special, so interesting - their center looks like a tiny sun, surrounded by the blue petals and well, this fits the scenario quite well.

A hedge with colourful dots. They need to leave the pathway, they need to cross some patches in order to get to it but hey, after all, they're here on their own and they take care not to trample on any plants. It's hibiscus - there are white petals, rose petals, pink petals, lilac petals and they all look like they're greeting them, they all look like they're shouting at them, "Hi!!! It's nice that you came over to visit!!", yes, including several exclamation marks because they simply look like that's the way they'd express themselves. (He might be a little bit sleep deprived by now.)

Some chamomile flowers craning their necks towards the sun. It's so astonishing - even though this place clearly looks like garden, even though it looks like it was planned out and everything was put here on purpose, there are all those little plants that look look like they just found their way into the garden by themselves, they look like they got comfortable here on their own, picking a spot they really like. Phil picks one flower and crushes it between his fingers and the smell makes Dan think of cold winter days when he got sick and Phil got so worried and came to his bed all the time and served him tea and warm milk and soup and -  
(It feels so good to be loved by Phil.)

One of the few trees in here - a tree with white flowers all over it. “Jasmine?”, Phil guesses and although Dan supposes he's actually right, although Dan is actually impressed with Phil's guess, he can't help but mocking him.  
“Jaaaasmine.”  
“Jasmineeee.”  
“Jasmiiineeee.”  
Grinning at each other because there's no stupid way to banter, because every banter is a good one, even if it's only about where to put the emphasis on in a word. Phil suddenly pulling him closer, kissing him - Dan's back colliding with the trunk and yes, even though it's so quiet, so peaceful here, it's totally okay that Phil kisses him this way. Because it's such a Phil kiss, exuberant, spontaneous and there's no way Dan would complain about these sudden signs of love.

Larkspur. Yet another lanky, towering flower. Phil nudges him, already giggling.  
"Look. It's the penis plant."  
Yes. The penis plant. The flower he received for Valentine's Day once. Because his date on this day couldn't stick to the usual, because his date on this day couldn't stick to roses. No, it had to be the 'penis plant' instead. And still, Dan gets chills when he thinks back to this night, still, Dan can't stop smiling when he thinks of the penis plant on his desk.

Yellow spots across a meadow. A short discussion, trying to identify the flower. Daffodils, probably - they're not as overwhelming as on their day at the park when Phil decided to quit his job in order to become a full-time YouTuber but that doesn't matter because the memory of this sight is engraved in Dan's brain, including this feeling of - trust.  
Also, they still look damn nice. The yellow is so bright, brighter than the sun, it seems.

Some light pink camellias. Dan lets his finger run across the petals - they're so neatly arranged, it looks so surreal. Apparently, Phil doesn't share his awe, but he puts his arms around him, rests his head on his shoulders and waits patiently until Dan's curiosity is satisfied.

A tiny little cherry tree - barely past adolescence, they guess and yet another time they're lucky to be here on their own. If there was some biologist around, he'd probably judge them very hard for their unprofessional analysis. Well, whatever - the tree is still young, it's barely a tree yet, just a small, fragile stick acting as a trunk, some twigs, some leaves... And blossoms. Maybe the first blossoms it ever bore. And Dan can't help but feeling proud, in a really strange way, for this tiny tree that's trying so hard.

Lilies, quite a bunch of them. "Look, it's us", Phil says, pointing to some still closed buds. But there aren't just the sleepy lilies, most of them seem to be excited to be awake already, leaning over each other in order to get the best look at the sun.  
"Those damn early birds."

Little violets, almost creeping up the pathway. They look different than the ones on the Isle of Man - up North, they were all lilac, here, they are different colours. Dan stops to take a closer look at some blossoms with a few lilac petals at the top - the white petals underneath look like they're all dressed up, like they're wearing a suit. And the little lion faces in the center...  
There's no need to point them out. He just looks at Phil, he just grins at him and - yes, he got the message.

Ivy crawling over a stone wall. It looks like it's the only reason the wall is still erect - the stones are carelessly put on top of each other, the cement originally keeping them together has mostly withered away, apparently. It's such a night look, somehow, Dan can't even tell why - ivy just seems to be a night plant to him. Still, it doesn't look like out of place. Just like the cactus, just like every other plant they spotted here, it just found its place. And this weird assembly is what makes this garden feel so damn cozy.

And roses. Roses, roses, everywhere. So many different colours. So many different sizes. So many different shapes. Dan didn't even know there were so many different kinds of roses.  
Still, the most surprising thing about the roses is -  
He didn't know a garden full of roses could look like that. He always imagined a rose garden to be neat, to be boring, but this garden is -  
So natural. So peaceful. So breathtaking.

And -  
Phil. Phil taking in the view, completely self-engrossed - then he turns his head and looks at Dan and he keeps this look on his face, this soft smile, this look of adoration and Dan heart beats faster.  
If he were here on his own... Yes, if he didn't meet up with Phil, if the scenario was the same apart from the company, he'd probably still be quite glad about finding this place. He'd probably still enjoy the view, he'd probably still marvel at the beauty. But - it wouldn't be that uplifting, it wouldn't be that special. Because it's Phil who makes it special, because -

"This is such a great place.  
"Yes, it is."

Because he's able to share it with Phil. Because he doesn't have to think about how to explain this magic, because he can simply let go, take in everything - still knowing Phil knows about it, too.  
Because it feels like freedom to be here and Phil is a part of it, too.

Then, there's a sudden thought. And this time, there's no need to overthink, this time, Dan isn't afraid anymore to share it with Phil.

"We should get married here."

A short flash of wonder on Phil's face. Then - Dan can already tell what he's thinking, he already knows what Phil is about to say. It may sound like he's joking at first but he'll probably think aloud if they could switch the wedding venue just like that, if they're able to contact the owners of this place on short notice, if it could actually work out.  
No need to answer these questions. That's not what he meant.

"Right now."

Phil's face lighting up. Phil considering for a short moment if he should laugh.

"Oh. Yes."

His soft smile turning into a mischievous one.

"Yes."

And Dan feels so giddy, so excited - he feels just like on that day when Phil proposed, just like on that day when they decided to get married - just like before this night, just like before all the worries popped up in his head. Because -  
There's no place for these worries anymore. There's no foundation for these worries anymore.

Fuck everyone else. It's about them now. They're taking back their wedding.  
It's not exactly glee what Dan's experiencing right now, he doesn't hold a grudge against their guests. It's rather some kind of relief.

Tomorrow, they can be around other people, tomorrow, they can let other people watch them. Because it's just watching. Because they're pushing them out. Because they keep the important parts to themselves. It's okay to celebrate together with their friends, with their families - but they get to share the crucial moments. Just them.  
Just like it's supposed to be.

Walking over to another rose arch because it looks like a perfect wedding spot. Giggling all the way because - yes, it's a great idea, yes, it's absolutely convincing, it's so convincing there's no need to talk about it, no need to let Phil in on what he had in mind. And still, it's - surprising. Overwhelming. Just like that, they found the solution, just like that, they were able to put their worries aside, to solve the problems causing their worries.  
They're getting married.

And - they're so excited. Phil holds on firmly to his hand, squeezing it, Dan's heart racing, his hand trembling...  
They're getting married.

Just them. Just them underneath the arch. Phil stumbling on his words. Phil tearing up while listening to Dan, while Dan tries to put his feelings into words, while Dan tries to recreate the weddings vows he wrote down in their apartment, in the hotel room - trying to recreate them but this time adding the important parts, the parts he had to leave aside. Dan tearing up, too, because he's so overcome by emotions, because -  
This is so big, so damn big, so unbelievably big. Doesn't matter that they've been in a relationship for a while now, doesn't matter that Phil told him he loved him so many times already, doesn't matter that Phil already told him he loved him before they even were in a relationship. Doesn't matter he loved Phil for so, so many years. It's still so incredible, realizing again that they love each other, that they're promising to stay together for the rest of their lives.

An awkward moment when they don't really know to wrap it up. Dan shaking his head, taking matters into his own hands. Who cares about conventions anyway? They don't matter right now. Dan just trying to fumble together a question - Phil not even waiting until he's done.  
"Yes. Yes, I do."

Their fingers entwining. Phil taking a deep breath.

"And you -"  
"Yes, I do."

A moment of silence. Just them looking at each other, smiling, still tears in their eyes but damn, Dan is so happy, he's so overwhelmed and still, he's happy, he's so happy, he feels like he could fly right now - and it just takes a look at Phil to know that he feels the same, to know that Phil is just as happy as him, that Phil is just as happy as him about -  
Then - the kiss. It's a kiss just for them and they take their time and there's no need to be modest, no need to worry about rules, about conventions, about how you're supposed to do it, because - they know how to kiss, they know what feels right, for both of them. And that's all that matters right now.  
Kissing Phil. Not letting go of Phil even when they stop kissing. Resting his forehead against Phil, closing his eyes, taking a deep breath.

His husband. Yes, there's still the paperwork, yes, there's still the official part, with some guy announcing them husband and husband, but -  
His husband. Phil is his husband. He's Phil's husband.

They never find the park again. After their wedding, after the big celebration, they make use of the few moments left before traveling back home to look for the park but even though they rediscover some streets they walked along in the night before their wedding, they can't find the wooden gate. They google it, they gather some brochures, they check satellite images – no results. It's like the park was never there – it's like the park doesn't want to be rediscovered.  
But that's okay. Because it was there when they really needed it.

**Author's Note:**

> sadly, you can't leave flowers here but you can leave a comment which would make me very happy, too ♥


End file.
